Where lines happen.
Looking at the world upside down,
the sky’s pressing me into the ground.
Floating in an ocean of colors & sounds,
nothing matters, I’m free as a song.
Sail with me, with earth at the back.
Sail with me, with trees hanging on.
Sail with me, the cars are like magnets.
Sail with me, sail with me, upside down.
I’ve left you behind.
I’m leaving you behind.
Fast pace on this tourists’ trail.
Gotta beat the line to the gift shop.
That pack on your back,
have you had it checked?
The fancy dress shoes you haul,
hefty price-tags attached.
I don’t speak your language,
but I do know your dialect.
Same joys & deathly quiets.
A peek of a human inside.
But you have to keep up.
Can’t drag me down or else.
There’re wolves at the heels
& cliffs all around.
I check the map, eyes on the prize.
you lay back down, thinking it’s a wrap.
How do you keep up, serene as a buddha?
What you’ve been smoking, keeping you so relaxed?
You probably thinking the same:
crazy bitch’s gone insane.
We should go to some place
where you’re dead if you’re late.
I have to let the chaos out
to count them.
They feel familiar,
faces of friends from childhood.
Old, un-named anxiety rising,
a little shame &
astonished bewilderment:
am I just now continuing?
Is it too late?
Every evening I say goodbye.
How many times? To the day, then to the night.
Can’t remember even a single one.
A residue of some impression of some sentiment.
It’s time like this I have to escape,
propelled by the resentiment of a lazy satisfaction.
Why do I feel tired just to return?
The trash’s still outside, the same couple just passed by.
If the view’s ocean’s end, or the martian soil,
will I still feel the need to pollute paper with my bile?
I may still pity myself just to see if I’m capable.
A drop in the ocean of inert particles.
It’s not blue, it’s gray & white & colorless.
The oppressiveness is felt through the closed window.
Artificial breeze bellows for the creatures inside,
who are cut off, sequestered, cornered & comfortable.
The summer’s cooking something rotten.
Pop the lid, bear the smell & the sight of the skeletons.
The water rises, the sun bakes, pay no attention.
Don’t worry, be happy, nothing ever really happens.
I try to escape a feeling,
& I know you know it too,
that the world’s at your fingertips
& you can fuck it if you so choose.
But I’m afraid of something,
something up above,
that tells me, “no, no, no,
you are not enough.”
You are not enough.
You are not enough.
So I got outta the way,
to sulk, to reflect,
to find a way to have faith.
I thought it was OK.
Thought it was OK.
Thought it was OK.
But, but, why can’t I breath?
Choices I didn’t make.
Living a life that
I’m watching from the outside.
The world’s at my fingertips.
I’ll fuck it if I so choose.
You can stare or look away.
You can tell me you’re not afraid.
But don’t be late, time won’t wait.
Enough is enough, to read & meditate.
You’ll never know it all.
Greed is your downfall.
You’ll never be loved
like you are now.
I try to be myself but I’m scary and alien,
pretending to be human though I don’t know what that is.
So I live through you, I hope you don’t mind,
to learn about love and compassion, how am I doing?
I try not to do harm, which means I can’t do good either.
It’s a binary path, no-one cares how it’s discovered.
Over-crowded, building fences, maintaining the order.
How’s the view? Let me visualize, become a real hero.
No, not really, never really cared how others see me,
though I want to know how does your life go?
I don’t have one, it’s last night’s wind, today’s sun.
Am I missing someone?
True, true, everyone’s balancing
between enlightenment and insanity.
There’re the over-achievers showing off.
You are not them, don’t kid yourself.
Don’t model yourself.
Be crazy and just act yourself.
Time will tell.
Then hopefully, you will.
No wild heart, yo,
I can’t afford.
I’d rather get my teeth pulled,
I got no insurance.
It’s a pay-per-live world,
we’re closing the gate
on what’s real benefit,
40 years a slave.
Sure, they gave you promises
when you’re young & good-looking,
just don’t say what you’re really thinking,
they ain’t listening.
Human nature is the killer app,
joy-button’s broken, that’s OK,
40% off, amazon prime.
Mama didn’t teach me how to refrain.
Ole, ole, let’s see that body.
Oh shit, not a size 6?
Go kill yourself,
you don’t exist.
Your life has but one aim,
to look good, sexy puss.
Here, give me a smooch,
I will buy you a Starbucks.
Eyes wild open & heart wide shut.
Precious commodity, someone giving a fuck.
Super cereal, we have to save our planet!
Can’t do that with all these infightings.
Who gains, who loses?
Maybe we want things to go KABOOM.
Hauling this history of unbearable weight,
now running out of water & space.
Kids shot, women raped.
How to go out, be open & relate?
Can’t tell friendlies from the fake.
To keep it safe, shields in place.
I wish I’m not tired all the time,
so I can behold the vast beauty.
To keep my eyes peeled, ears unclogged,
fingers poised to record whatever comes.
As it is I’m just meat & veins,
they deposit shells on the shores of my perception.
I’m exhausted just to look, much less to feel.
It’s stretching me, my universe.
Where does my light go?
There’s a door.
I can sense it.
I don’t know what’s inside,
maybe it’s me I’m opening.
There could be darkness.
If so I’d be content.
I’d give it a go
to prove a point of pointlessness.
Can’t recall the steps,
so how did I end up here?
Isn’t it all the same?
The twists equal the turns?
Not fair to the guide, but,
all in truth, no faith, not brave,
just energy to disperse,
heavy dose of “get me outta here”.
It must’ve been silent,
then why do I hate the noise?
Can’t pay off the voices
so they just up & left.
Fill myself with
whatever I can grab,
how it comes to be, a piece of you
on what’s left of me.
A door too many,
stepping onto the balcony.
It’s all somber & majestic.
The birds are mocking me,
“you don’t belong here,
the air’s thin, the sun’s gonna kill.”
Where am I supposed to go?
After one door too many?
hotsurf_ 