Author: hotsurf

Like to travel, read, play cello etc.

TIL.

I was raised by parents
that were disturbed,
emotionally abusive
though they truly love me.
It doesn’t make it easier
or less confusing.
Was it OK to push them away?

It hurts knowing I couldn’t help.
It hurts watching them
hurt themselves.
Getting crushed by this
tense atmosphere of
“Wrong! Wrong!! Wrong!!!”,
learned to maintain
my sanity at all cost.

Shut the door,
shut the window,
don’t let it show.
It’s no use, I can’t
break them outta their own hell.
Was it selfish to keep my distance
while I was so weak & lost?

I can’t stay still
my heart hurts.
Where is my heart?
I can’t find it.
I’ve hidden it too well.

My demon half.

Yo, I got a demon half who agrees
with everything the president’s saying.
Fuck the weak, we got an image to
maintain, you know what I’m saying?
But then I remember why I feel so bad
for so long & it’s all coming to a head.
Life ain’t about the chosen few if
you ain’t one of them.
You’re exceptional, we’re exceptional but
the foundation’s crumbling
like the ice, like them trees, like them
slaves that we keep denying.
Yeh, accumulation creates the wealth but
nature demands even distribution, too.
Just shows it ain’t about the money,
it’s the power of who gets to stay on top
and do the fucking.
I’m sick of the “necessary” evils that are
organically made by a corrupted society.
Hold a loved one in your mind before you act,
no, not yourself, for Christ’s sake!
Can’t take the criticism? Then stop
calling this a democracy.
If this is the best we can do
then what is there to save?

To seniors of a retirement home.

Your eyes, they shine so bright.
There’s no longer confusion,
only the yearning for life.

The rest of your body’s
ceased to thrive,
prepping the soul for the flight.

No longer have a fear of death,
only the dream to see
the loved ones one more time.

Closer to the ground now
with an open blue sky.
Everything you imagined
now it’s the time.

What of death?

My left lung feels like there’s lead in it. My head is not clear, my effort at paying attention comes and goes. No, I don’t have that one, but some other one. Is this what fading feels like?

I lay on the bed, looking through the window. The world is the same, starkingly beautiful. Yeh, I know that’s not a word. I don’t care. I’m tired of googling things. I’m tired.

Oh, yeh, I look through the window, into the sky, into the white patch that’s covered by 5% of my eyes, the mind makes up the rest. I notice the light’s fading in and out, in and out. I get curious, so maybe this is what dying feels like?

When the lung is not working properly, nothing much goes. I wonder if the lack of oxygen coursing through the body will make people stupider. But no, people are plenty stupid already. Case in point.

Is it my fault? What’s happening now? Did I wish for it? Is it a wakeup call? A cleansing? Nature’s thriving again. The seeds must be sowed, for the future. Why should I care?

I’m not afraid of death. I often say it would solve all my problems. That doesn’t stop me from romanticizing it though. Isn’t that what we do? Chocolate, sex, glitters, death.

I’m afraid of living with no purpose. And since I’m still breathing, with one lung, or 1 1/2, the work is not done.

All is well. Whatever that means.