Nul.

There's the dark nights
with no land in sight,
drifting in the shifting fog
& the reflections on the ink black.

Sleep's someone else's dream
& I'm having the nightmare leftovers.
They look familiar.
I say, "Hi."

Perfecting the personal recipe
for self-reproach, doubt &
"Oh, what was I thinking?"
"Was I really there? Am I even here?"

I think I will go on, regardless.

If.

If I can love you,
I will murder for you the sun & the moon.
If I can ever be so close,
I will look into your eyes & spit at them.
If I have one belief,
I will twist it into a cup for your tears.
If I can forge anything,
surely the spender will drive you mad.
If I can sing for you
the song that penetrates & suffocates.
If I can make it right,
no one can save you & nobody would care.
If I can do all of these,
would you worship me just as I feared?

Lush.

The night's air's fragrant
like a Lush bath-bomb
that I'm addicted to
and never runs out
but needed more
so I splurged & ordered
online then picked up
at the store cause shipping's
not free and there're people
walking on the streets
good location shopping district
people needs space to
feel safe & shopping is
the common trait brings all
people out even during
pandemic I'm walking
plague & yet I want
the smell of blooming flowers then
I cut them up & put into
jars like reddit says
then I got depressed again
but I never run out of lush.

Last poem blaming the mother.

When I smiled at her to show some affection,
she asked, "how come you have more wrinkles than me?"
Always with the criticism, none of the loving.
You may think it's implied, but I'm waiting
waiting & waiting. It's not enough, Mom,
it's too late, and will never be enough.
But your words are wise, cutting but wise,
maybe that's why I'm so divided?
You afforded no love cause you received none.
A child is just a tool, a competitor,
a variable that has to be evaluated.
The den is lined with hidden barbs.
The rule shifts with no logic only chaos.
I can see now how I peeled away my flesh.
You did all you can, so your counsel I will cherish.
But I shall always be on guard.