Who cares.

I think I've been wrong,
mistaken being weak with strong.
All the judgements & indignations,
yet taken no actions.
There's the sense of loss,
plus the rage & escapes.
But why am I still here?
Just to stand around?
Maybe I will be happy, by chance,
to help someone, anyone.
It's always been an excuse,
that "I felt deeply, & cared too much."

Between death dates.

I'm closer to Y's death date than X's death date.
Wonder if I will beat Betty White's record.
It's too late to flame out in a glaze of vomit.
Just hoping I don't out last my bank balance.
As long as my death date's later than my parents',
and there's no new birth date to be remembered.
No worries if other generations fall off the calendar.
No strings attached I can roam free of charges.

I let the sound out.

It's like my body's pushing itself out.
It smells like a slaughter house.
Then I let the sound out.
No one's around,
still I embarrass myself.
How am I embarrassing myself?
I let the sound out.
Back of my head,
there's space to reflect:
why does it feel wrong and right?
Why is it not enough
to let the sound out?
Just let it out.

Bitch self.

My self is a slippery bitch
wants to hide in the mud.
I try to lure it out.
It tells me to go to hell.
So I went and stayed
till it ran out of masks.
I sigh & ask, "What now?"
Self says, "Don't look at me for help."
So I wrangle the bitch out,
make it sit while I draw.
It doesn't like it one bit,
but it's high time to live.
I don't know where we split,
maybe since the first period.
The self no longer fit,
so it went escapist.
Gee, I wonder what we could've been.
Probably happily in oblivion.
But then I'd be bored.
So I guest it worked out best.


There's the dark nights
with no land in sight,
drifting in the shifting fog
& the reflections on the ink black.

Sleep's someone else's dream
& I'm having the nightmare leftovers.
They look familiar.
I say, "Hi."

Perfecting the personal recipe
for self-reproach, doubt &
"Oh, what was I thinking?"
"Was I really there? Am I even here?"

I think I will go on, regardless.