First thing in the morning, I’m howling. To the tunes of Cardi B and Sumi Jo, I’m taking my throat for a morning drive. If nothing else it’s going to be the harshest sound that I’m going to hear all day. Everyone who heard the noise was disturbed (they let me know), and I’ve learned not to care, because I discovered that I’ve since started to yield a bigger voice and it’s already having an effect on my life. All of a sudden people stopped asking me to repeat what I’ve just said, which was nice indeed. I don’t know what prompted my desire to start singing, maybe the desire was always there and I was just too good at ignoring it. I was a pro at ignoring myself as it turned out. There was this persistent voice that was telling me that what I liked did not mean shit, until recently I didn’t even have the courage to question, “Why not?” That was just how things were.
Something told me to sing, and it was getting louder. That must be the new voice in my head and I am slowly getting to trust that new voice. It tells me that what I like is not shit, it tells me that even though I failed so many times, at so many things, those experiences are not meaningless, that I am not meaningless. I fight myself and others harder to let that voice speak and get heard. It was hard, taking responsibility for oneself was so unexpectedly hard. You have to get to know who this person is, you have to be OK with the history this person brings, the mistakes this person has made and is making. It’s about compassion, it’s about dignity, it’s about courage. It takes work to really love oneself.
This is the way things are now. Do I wish to arrive here sooner? No, I don’t. For having that thought discredits the journey. I’m neither old, nor I’m young. I marvel at the younger generations who are adding their own voices to the melody and I know they are the best. I’m watching the older generations who sometimes appear to be as lost as a helpless child and I hope we’re all learning their lessons. The time spent agonizing and being confused is all worth it if we don’t give up. As it is, I’m glad that I’m singing badly and I don’t mind that it might get heard from time to time.
Be like a flower.
Come forth proud
when the time is called.
or rain falls,
Stand tall together,
cast seeds for
the next hope.
Ready to grow
with nothing more
than the soil.
Like a flower,
Got enough to get by.
Don’t wanna stop where it’s almost right.
Can’t find the things I willingly left behind.
Are you still here? Don’t give me that pitying eyes.
What am I missing? Youth & the idiocy that was burning me alive?
The transgressions, the stares, the incomprehensibly oppressed.
One day I found a match, lit a fire, then danced in the moonlight.
Channelling the greatest, the freest of the spirits and of the mad.
When I came back, the chains were broken, no longer could tell me otherwise.
Hush now, hush, hush, we don’t talk about the things that are behind.
What have we been building on if not heaps of feel-good lies?
Time marches on, the drum beats along, our merry little band all drunk.
Care for a refill? What’s your poison? 9-5 or something strong?
Sell the care, sell the grace, all for a couple more days’ hand to mouth.
Don’t know why, but I think I will be fine with no refuge in sight.
You can’t keep the scores or survey the land.
Nothing can help you, not even a mother’s hand.
Past tales drive fear into the heart of the wise.
One in a million, had it made, 20/20 hindsight.
Others perish with a slip of the hand.
Never stood a chance, never seen the light.
“Their own fault”, the judgement’s swift & raw.
It’s only natural to leave losers behind.
Do you have a light? Do you share it right?
Do you wait for the perfect time for it to ignite?
Running out of lanes, running out of time.
Never once should you forget the severity of life.
Wanna be what I wanna be.
It ain’t right, it ain’t hiring,
it ain’t hyped, it ain’t typed.
I can be more but I ain’t.
I wish I can be more or less different.
I’m a powerhouse, confused energy.
Someone please bottle me so I can break free.
Rather be a fly, not a rat,
though wild things have my respect.
Say the word make that last.
You can have what you looking at.
Say I don’t give a shit while pleading to the man,
“Come save me, please don’t leave me behind.”
It’s interesting you have a brain,
yet you can’t decide,
to go forward or go back,
something safe or outta the mind.
No talk, no show, no business card,
rather be a punk than a rock star.
Life’s too short for money and cars.
Give me a sec, teach me what is love?
I thought you were the only one who could read me,
we were two of a kind.
Even after you slapped me twice and sent away my cat.
You said you were treated liked a girl growing up,
that’s why you treat women the way you do,
belittle them to make yourself feel more like a man.
I was told I was a mistake, should’ve been a boy.
You know what, no biggie, kinda used to disappointment.
I suspect you wouldn’t know how to raise a boy anyway.
My mother’s neurotic and she’s not even on the wine.
Got gallbladder stones from all the rage, never been treated kind.
Hollering for justice with all the righteousness of the blind.
I learned to appear calm when the two are howling at each other.
Every time though I feel the tinge of pain some place left to my heart.
I can move out, but somehow, people make me anxious like they gonna explode.
I didn’t want to grow up like this, but I did grow up like this and now
I’m finally in a space of my own. I can do crazy things, meet crazy people
and act I’ve been happy all along. I still doubt. I’m afraid. I’m in control.
After autumn comes spring.
Mocked for being a graceless wretch.
Not your friendly, agreeable type.
I might bump into you
without an apology
cause I really don’t notice it.
Resigning to fate.
You laugh at me.
I play footloose with gravity.
My hands quick & the branch’s sturdy.
Unconsciously I save myself.
You’re amazed at my agility.
I think it’s a pity
I’m not head over heel.
No script, all actors.
Too cool to be real.
Just a healthy dose of no fucks given.
I may hail you as a villain,
so we are even, so we can be
To pave the ground
for those to walk on
who can be unsteady.