Heart-gate.

I put my heart on hold
long ago.
I don’t remember the signs,
it’s a foreign land.
People don’t understand
when they see me emotionless,
how hard it is to pretend
to be one of them.

When I don’t know
where I am,
I hum a little song
to myself,
never deal with anything
too personal,
now that I can get away
from my folks.

The clock I’d stopped
does grind
so loudly
in my mind.
Need to let the cold
seeping in,
for the chance
to make some friends.

Still so afraid
of losing the ones I love,
or that I can’t
help them enough.
Can I take it now?
My disappointment
with myself?

I put my heart on hold.
My place is vacant
and my eyes are cold.
I feel safely mechanical.
But I can’t run free,
without my heart whole.

Was it something I had done?
Or part of me I have to accept?
Who do I go for advice?
When nobody knows who I am?

I have to unpause.
Have to face the spot.
Name the things I can’t change
and bring them back home.

Girls’ night out.

Girls’ night out, yo,
got myself a little bell.
Girls’ night out,
clink, clash, pow!

Girls’ night out, yo,
if you don’t see me about.
It’s girls’ night out,
girls’ night out.

Girls gotta have fun now,
it runs in the family.
Let you be reminded,
why we ain’t smiling.

It’s fun time, girls’ high time,
Grab a friend time, forget the past time.

It’s all us girls now,
never been anyone else.
Let me give you the hashtag,
it’s #girlsdontgiveashit.

Don’t ask if you don’t wanna listen,
we ain’t got time & you ain’t our guest.
Better hurry up & get outta dodge,
otherwise your ass’ going in the trunk.

It’s girls’ night out, it’s not garbage night.
It’s been awhile so wear that skunk red.
Got no worries with guns in the purse.
Think I’m drunk? You better ask first.

It’s girls’, girls’, girls’ night out.
It’s cooing, mewing, howling in the crowd.
There’s no contest who can be really loud.
Ask the sherif, she’s been here awhile.

It’s girls’ night out, women’s night out, grandmas’ last night out.
No cookies, cakes, or roasted birds for you just now.
Hurry up & get out of our house.
It’s our night, all night, ain’t a thing but girls’ night.

Once upon a time.

I try to escape a feeling,
& I know you know it too,
that the world’s at your fingertips
& you can fuck it if you so choose.

But I’m afraid of something,
something up above,
that tells me, “no, no, no,
you are not enough.”

You are not enough.
You are not enough.

So I got outta the way,
to sulk, to reflect,
to find a way to have faith.
I thought it was OK.

Thought it was OK.
Thought it was OK.

But, but, why can’t I breath?
Choices I didn’t make.
Living a life that
I’m watching from the outside.

The world’s at my fingertips.
I’ll fuck it if I so choose.
You can stare or look away.
You can tell me you’re not afraid.

But don’t be late, time won’t wait.
Enough is enough, to read & meditate.
You’ll never know it all.
Greed is your downfall.

You’ll never be loved
like you are now.

Today.

What’s your goal today?
And don’t you run away.
The sun rises, it will set.
Can you rest when you go to bed?

Today is that special day,
it will never come again.
Find out where your dream lies,
go where it goes & don’t look back.

There’s something called evolution,
you have to adapt to survive.
Can you tell me the difference
between your life & the one to have?

Singing loudly and not hating what you love.

First thing in the morning, I’m howling. To the tunes of Cardi B and Sumi Jo, I’m taking my throat for a morning drive. If nothing else it’s going to be the harshest sound that I’m going to hear all day. Everyone who heard the noise was disturbed (they let me know), and I’ve learned not to care, because I discovered that I’ve since started to yield a bigger voice and it’s already having an effect on my life. All of a sudden people stopped asking me to repeat what I’ve just said, which was nice indeed. I don’t know what prompted my desire to start singing, maybe the desire was always there and I was just too good at ignoring it. I was a pro at ignoring myself as it turned out. There was this persistent voice that was telling me that what I liked did not mean shit, until recently I didn’t even have the courage to question, “Why not?” That was just how things were.

Something told me to sing, and it was getting louder. That must be the new voice in my head and I am slowly getting to trust that new voice. It tells me that what I like is not shit, it tells me that even though I failed so many times, at so many things, those experiences are not meaningless, that I am not meaningless. I fight myself and others harder to let that voice speak and get heard. It was hard, taking responsibility for oneself was so unexpectedly hard. You have to get to know who this person is, you have to be OK with the history this person brings, the mistakes this person has made and is making. It’s about compassion, it’s about dignity, it’s about courage. It takes work to really love oneself.

This is the way things are now. Do I wish to arrive here sooner? No, I don’t. For having that thought discredits the journey. I’m neither old, nor I’m young. I marvel at the younger generations who are adding their own voices to the melody and I know they are the best. I’m watching the older generations who sometimes appear to be as lost as a helpless child and I hope we’re all learning their lessons. The time spent agonizing and being confused is all worth it if we don’t give up. As it is, I’m glad that I’m singing badly and I don’t mind that it might get heard from time to time.

Happy Easter.

easter egg

No refuge.

Got enough to get by.
Don’t wanna stop where it’s almost right.
Can’t find the things I willingly left behind.
Are you still here? Don’t give me that pitying eyes.

What am I missing? Youth & the idiocy that was burning me alive?
The transgressions, the stares, the incomprehensibly oppressed.
One day I found a match, lit a fire, then danced in the moonlight.
Channelling the greatest, the freest of the spirits and of the mad.

When I came back, the chains were broken, no longer could tell me otherwise.
Hush now, hush, hush, we don’t talk about the things that are behind.
What have we been building on if not heaps of feel-good lies?

Time marches on, the drum beats along, our merry little band all drunk.
Care for a refill? What’s your poison? 9-5 or something strong?
Sell the care, sell the grace, all for a couple more days’ hand to mouth.
Don’t know why, but I think I will be fine with no refuge in sight.

The severity of life.

You can’t keep the scores or survey the land.
Nothing can help you, not even a mother’s hand.
Past tales drive fear into the heart of the wise.
One in a million, had it made, 20/20 hindsight.

Others perish with a slip of the hand.
Never stood a chance, never seen the light.
“Their own fault”, the judgement’s swift & raw.
It’s only natural to leave losers behind.

Do you have a light? Do you share it right?
Do you wait for the perfect time for it to ignite?
Running out of lanes, running out of time.
Never once should you forget the severity of life.

More or less.

Wanna be what I wanna be.
It ain’t right, it ain’t hiring,
it ain’t hyped, it ain’t typed.
I can be more but I ain’t.
I wish I can be more or less different.

I’m a powerhouse, confused energy.
Someone please bottle me so I can break free.
Rather be a fly, not a rat,
though wild things have my respect.

Say the word make that last.
You can have what you looking at.
Say I don’t give a shit while pleading to the man,
“Come save me, please don’t leave me behind.”

It’s interesting you have a brain,
yet you can’t decide,
to go forward or go back,
something safe or outta the mind.

No talk, no show, no business card,
rather be a punk than a rock star.
Life’s too short for money and cars.
Give me a sec, teach me what is love?

I grow over you.

I thought you were the only one who could read me,
we were two of a kind.
Even after you slapped me twice and sent away my cat.

You said you were treated liked a girl growing up,
that’s why you treat women the way you do,
belittle them to make yourself feel more like a man.

I was told I was a mistake, should’ve been a boy.
You know what, no biggie, kinda used to disappointment.
I suspect you wouldn’t know how to raise a boy anyway.

My mother’s neurotic and she’s not even on the wine.
Got gallbladder stones from all the rage, never been treated kind.
Hollering for justice with all the righteousness of the blind.

I learned to appear calm when the two are howling at each other.
Every time though I feel the tinge of pain some place left to my heart.
I can move out, but somehow, people make me anxious like they gonna explode.

I didn’t want to grow up like this, but I did grow up like this and now
I’m finally in a space of my own. I can do crazy things, meet crazy people
and act I’ve been happy all along. I still doubt. I’m afraid. I’m in control.