The Thing that Hates Me is You.

You said I stared at you while I suckled your breast.
I imagine the little bundle just detected an existential threat.
Since you’ve ever looked at me with dread,
like I’m the source of all your woes.
You said you wished I was a boy instead,
and compared me to my male cousins as something less.
So I am less, I am full of woes & I don’t exist.
The voice that inside me telling me I can never be
a real person because I was unwanted by you
who said so, then after I became useful repaying a debt.
I don’t know. Why I’m here if my mother does not want me here.
Why I always try too hard, or not enough. Where is the battle?
The shaky ground keeps disappearing underneath.
Where do I grapple. the kindness I don’t trust?
It’s exhausting, mother, the pursuit of your love & approval.
Nothing else can fill it up & it’s past the time
for a band-aid and a kiss-up. I don’t need it any more.
I can’t feel it any more. No, not really. It’s been gone
too early for too long. If I can’t have a mother’s love
where does the suffering begin & where does it end?

Get outta bed.

Shrieks of grackles pierce my brain
in the middle of awakeness & dream.
The cooing of the doves lure me back to sleep.
The time is told by the hands of the machine.

Reflecting on things I was unwilling to face
when the consciousness’ with shield & sticks.
Still the blood gets pumping no longer at peace,
distracted by the soft & cooling sheets.

Time to get up & fight to stupefaction
then floating back to the clouds of purfection.
They turn sour if dwelling for too long
like everything else, getting up now.

We sweep the earth.

We sweep the earth.
Our backs bend towards the heavens.
The moist from our lips
giving thanks to the land.

We sweep the earth
to comfort the spirits of the dead.
The feathers in our hairs,
we & the spirits are one.

We sweep the earth
when it’s angry & the rivers weep.
Forgive our sins.
We are your children.

We sweep the earth.
It’s time to sleep & to wake.
We sweep the earth
for another splendid day.

Nonsensical.

It comes as a phrase
then it flows from there.
I do not beckon thee.
They come to me fully formed.
It’s like I pluck them outta thin air.
But that’s a lie.
I had them in my head
just waiting for the right time
when I’m free of pretense.
Words comes and goes.
They might as well be
nonsensical.

Interrogate the sunset.


I interrogate the sunset as if it holds the secret, or at least the answer, only if I know the question.

The last ray has exited, then another, and another. How many chances do I get?

Maybe I’m missing the point? God, I hope I’m missing the point. Don’t let me cheapen you. Don’t let me envelope you. Don’t let me even getting close.

I’d rather be lost than stumble upon your lair by chance.

I love your dark figures, retreating footsteps, thieving squirrels and exotic death. Life for a song, a muse. Maybe it’s that easy. How do I treasure you then? Wrapping my ribcage around your fragile universe? Is that my role?

Take it. Take it! It’s all too precious.

Buzz.

I get seasick watching them branches
Holding me sway from the mobile games
The thought of organic snacks
The temptation of a soda pop
The family life over the fence
Or the traffic not far yet faint
let’s pretend they’re gentle waves
The unsolicited phone call from 1800
If you don’t know how to rest
just look up and enjoy the noise

Sex.

Self pitying tears
are there any other kind?
Undulating flesh
stimulates the mind.
There’s only one
“yeh yeh yeh”
so why bothering pretend.

The worst is also the best.
The enemy, truest friend.
The pleasures of divine,
forbidden & reviled.
Any time, it may come,
make it easy,
true to yourself.

No one can ever have
what you already have.
Life is a grab bag,
you take what you can get.
Chaos & chance.
Love may find you
or it’s a stab in the back.
“Do what you love anyway”,
here lies the choice.