The Thing that Hates Me is You.

You said I stared at you while I suckled your breast.
I imagine the little bundle just detected an existential threat.
Since you’ve ever looked at me with dread,
like I’m the source of all your woes.
You said you wished I was a boy instead,
and compared me to my male cousins as something less.
So I am less, I am full of woes & I don’t exist.
The voice that inside me telling me I can never be
a real person because I was unwanted by you
who said so, then after I became useful repaying a debt.
I don’t know. Why I’m here if my mother does not want me here.
Why I always try too hard, or not enough. Where is the battle?
The shaky ground keeps disappearing underneath.
Where do I grapple. the kindness I don’t trust?
It’s exhausting, mother, the pursuit of your love & approval.
Nothing else can fill it up & it’s past the time
for a band-aid and a kiss-up. I don’t need it any more.
I can’t feel it any more. No, not really. It’s been gone
too early for too long. If I can’t have a mother’s love
where does the suffering begin & where does it end?

Get outta bed.

Shrieks of grackles pierce my brain
in the middle of awakeness & dream.
The cooing of the doves lure me back to sleep.
The time is told by the hands of the machine.

Reflecting on things I was unwilling to face
when the consciousness’ with shield & sticks.
Still the blood gets pumping no longer at peace,
distracted by the soft & cooling sheets.

Time to get up & fight to stupefaction
then floating back to the clouds of purfection.
They turn sour if dwelling for too long
like everything else, getting up now.

We sweep the earth.

We sweep the earth.
Our backs bend towards the heavens.
The moist from our lips
giving thanks to the land.

We sweep the earth
to comfort the spirits of the dead.
The feathers in our hairs,
we & the spirits are one.

We sweep the earth
when it’s angry & the rivers weep.
Forgive our sins.
We are your children.

We sweep the earth.
It’s time to sleep & to wake.
We sweep the earth
for another splendid day.

Nonsensical.

It comes as a phrase
then it flows from there.
I do not beckon thee.
They come to me fully formed.
It’s like I pluck them outta thin air.
But that’s a lie.
I had them in my head
just waiting for the right time
when I’m free of pretense.
Words comes and goes.
They might as well be
nonsensical.

Buzz.

I get seasick watching them branches
Holding me sway from the mobile games
The thought of organic snacks
The temptation of a soda pop
The family life over the fence
Or the traffic not far yet faint
let’s pretend they’re gentle waves
The unsolicited phone call from 1800
If you don’t know how to rest
just look up and enjoy the noise

Sex.

Self pitying tears
are there any other kind?
Undulating flesh
stimulates the mind.
There’s only one
“yeh yeh yeh”
so why bothering pretend.

The worst is also the best.
The enemy, truest friend.
The pleasures of divine,
forbidden & reviled.
Any time, it may come,
make it easy,
true to yourself.

No one can ever have
what you already have.
Life is a grab bag,
you take what you can get.
Chaos & chance.
Love may find you
or it’s a stab in the back.
“Do what you love anyway”,
here lies the choice.

My jam.

Y’all professionals while I self select.
Nowhere near that level, call it a personal defect.
I learned not to seek permission when I spot a crack.
Just letting myself in, all nerves, with pride in check.
Young faces & sure footings, those are never my jam.
Tossing & turning & stealthy as heck.
There’re places I wanna be, numbly tumbling, looking ahead.
Everyone’s tired of the apology, “I’m old & clumsy”,
“I had missed all the exit signs”…
So now you have to deal with me…
What’s that? You don’t care?
I make you look good? Oh, that’s just fine!
It’s hard to laugh, being a clown, eyes on the prize,
balancing falls, taking it all in, like a child, effortless.
Why does anyone do anything? Choose a tent and meet your friends.
Don’t berate yourself, in the beginning, the middle nor the end.
Be a flower, a bug, who knows when the time is ripe.
I’d like to live with you, with you attached.
I just like to live with it, you know? With my life enlarged.

A bath-tub cry.

I’d like to cry
without disguise
stifling it
with my will
I cry for
the bee who
submitted its life
on its last trip
called back to the
cosmo’s beehive
I cry for you
my friend
though it’s
joyous
and complete
the trace of
the line
I cry from
the well
never knowing
why
I think maybe
it’s just acting
my eyes washed
chest replenished
here comes the
thunderclap.

Sunset diamonds.

Sunset diamonds
through the leaves,
there’re millions of you,
make me dream.
Through the fruits ripe
and the butterflies’ wings,
intricate webs,
a blissful paradise.
Like honey-white gold,
but no,
quick-silver
until
chances maybe:
another angle,
another glimpse.
Fleeting.
Sunset such as this,
priceless diamonds indeed.

To seniors of a retirement home.

Your eyes, they shine so bright.
There’s no longer confusion,
only the yearning for life.

The rest of your body’s
ceased to thrive,
prepping the soul for the flight.

No longer have a fear of death,
only the dream to see
the loved ones one more time.

Closer to the ground now
with an open blue sky.
Everything you imagined
now it’s the time.