The hateful voice of my mom.
The self-loathing of my dad.
A narcissist of a grandpa.
The insanity of grandma.
Where is the love?
My love was not enough.
A child of family dysfunctions.
I left to find myself again.
You're you & me, I,
full of wonders & now understand.
I will love myself again.

There's a beast yanking at its chains.
I didn't understand what it's saying.
"Love again. You must love again."
This morning, I suddenly understand.
The dead air in my head &
the desperation in my so-called life,
"Live again, you must begin again.
Without love, you were deprived."

If you're a destroyer,
destroy.
Don't apologize.
If you're a lover,
fuck shit up.
Don't apologize.
If you're a mother,
live your life,
don't apologize.
You're doing a thing now,
you're doing the thing.
The worst thing to do
is to apologize for yourself.

You are a dreamer
who run away from the selves.
Can't stay still,
the beast is at your heels.
Mazes & traps you built
to justify your woes.
The past comes due &
the truth is always simple.

The voice in me
are telling me different things.
The way I act;
the way I think;
and the moments between:
to know is to be God,
to live is to be human.

Freedom is a scent that lasts
half a second.
It's tart and spicy
and feels like a jolt of fiery lava
beneath the ocean floor.
It happened once or twice
under crashing pressure,
barely registered.
But it reminded me
something's alive
where it matters.

Being open is realizing
there's no barrier between
you and me-
we both came
with a certain touch
of mystery,
not afraid of
changing our minds
giving time,
letting go the notion
of straight lines
regarding life.

I'm hard to live with
by myself.
Constant torment
inside these walls.
One side is hot like hell,
the other side chill like death.
There's a person in the middle
whom I can't tell.
It's a split long ago.
Something to endure,
not knowing what.
The ship will sink,
nobody can hear the screams.
The horror of a brain
turned outside in.
Can't bear others' help.
They're making it worse.
Not understanding
the enemy is me.

Mom & dad say, 
"Why bother,
a daughter belongs
to someone else."
They were right.
I am mine.