I grow over you.

I thought you were the only one who could read me,
we were two of a kind.
Even after you slapped me twice and sent away my cat.

You said you were treated liked a girl growing up,
that’s why you treat women the way you do,
belittle them to make yourself feel more like a man.

I was told I was a mistake, should’ve been a boy.
You know what, no biggie, kinda used to disappointment.
I suspect you wouldn’t know how to raise a boy anyway.

My mother’s neurotic and she’s not even on the wine.
Got gallbladder stones from all the rage, never been treated kind.
Hollering for justice with all the righteousness of the blind.

I learned to appear calm when the two are howling at each other.
Every time though I feel the tinge of pain some place left to my heart.
I can move out, but somehow, people make me anxious like they gonna explode.

I didn’t want to grow up like this, but I did grow up like this and now
I’m finally in a space of my own. I can do crazy things, meet crazy people
and act I’ve been happy all along. I still doubt. I’m afraid. I’m in control.

Period talk – Feb -no-edit- Edition.

periodtalkchocolate.png It’s fun going to an onsite interview while on the rag, I’m just one coffee zip away from going total lunatic, that’s laughing with no reason, talking to myself not caring what the outside respond is. Feel like I’m tranquilized. It’d be all good if I don’t have to put 2 and 2 together, much less dealt out an algorithm that deals with real world complex problems, as if I give a crap at this point.

Men don’t have to go to interview while having period, or pregnant, I’m sure they have plenty other things to worry about, I’m learning what those things are, but, at least they don’t have to calculate in the back of their heads when their low time’s gonna be. And I missed it this time big, because the recruiter forgot about to put my scheduling request, 2 times straight, and that firmly landed us in the red zone. How did I know this gonna happen again? Maybe I will remember something this time.

My mind tells me to stay still, under the warmth, enjoy the fog and the intangible passing of time, it tells me that there’s nothing happening outside of my body is as important or as complicated as what’s happening inside.

Got a salmon bento (how lucky am I, as a woman, be able to just go out and grab a lunch that I know from internet search is good for me on period.), also grabbed some dark chocolate and red-bean bum. The first bite into the crunchy salmon, it’s as if my whole body breathed a sign of relief. It was like it’s saying “thank you! thank you! thank you!” And I will be like “no, thank you!” (I wrote this while on the rag as some of you can probably tell).

The new period tradition: period food shopping. Japanese foods are good in general, but heavenly during period, their lovingly prepared salmon bento mentioned before, their dark chocolate, everything seems to designed for women on period, could that be the secret of their longevity? Hmmm?

Word of caution though. If you are like me, you will crave grease and sugar like nothing else. But don’t just eat anything you can get your hands on, get better quality stuff if you can. The same thing works in other area in life, if you substitute the real healthy thing with cheap dubious substitute, you won’t be satisfied.

Women on period especially requires warmth, comfort, nutrition, there should be stickers on fruits and food items that signify it’s beneficial for women on period, there should be open environment for women on period to vent their discomfort and getting support, as it is, we have Period anonymous. Maybe, after women can finally breastfeed in public without causing a minor scandal, we can work on removing the stigma surrounding this other bodily function that is the byproduct of the so-called miracle of life.

I don’t think ill of the recruiter though. She has enough to deal with without people like me giving her a hard time.

—- Fucked up period fantasy stories.

A girl was cursed that every time she lifts her skirt, exposing her privates, the earth itself will rise up to shield it so no man can see it, much less touch it. Still, because the girl is pretty, may men were impaled to death by this strange phenomenal. The girl was so saddened that she decides to not wear her skirt, thus a great mountain range was erected around her, isolating her from the world of men. Until one day, the chosen one heard of this tale and pitied the now young woman and decide to free her from this curse. He ended up transformed into the tree and the poor woman cried a pond under the tree and herself turned into a koi living in the pond, under the tree. The end.

I wanna fuck my husband.

I wanna fuck my husband.
I like them a little feminine.
When I have penned up aggression,
here’s someone warm & complying.

He can be the one that gives away,
looking at his face for pleasure or pain,
causing something inside to vibrate,
nothing to be ashamed of cause we married.

It may sounds a little gay,
it’s OK we are both straight (what they say).
He tells me he doesn’t want to go all the way.
I see to it we both get a little taste.

Hey hey hey.

Aftermath.

Here you are, my limitation
reminding me I’m outta the line.
Don’t know why I’m trying so hard
keep pushing my weakest point.

It’s not me, it’s me, again & again.
People laughs, saying there’s nothing there,
it cuts through the cheese, through the board,
through the heart that’s futile to protect.

I can see it in your eyes,
I’m a disappointment, I’m wasting your time.
Still I push on, you’re amused,
I hold on to myself, I’m here for this.

Where am I? Just wanting it to be over?
Where am I? Still trying to be someone else?
I’m here! I am here! It’s all that matters.
You should know it, you could feel it.

Who cares about the aftermath.

Red cardinal.

Red cardinal, my cardinal,
darting outta the leaves.
Did you make a home there
in my humble backyard?
Little bird, red bird,
you can’t hide in the grass,
do you mind me loving
on your red feathers
& the black around your face?
Little neighbor, dear neighbor,
do you find comfort here?
Blocked by fences on all sides
& the tall tree covering the sky?
Does the neighbor’s cat hunt you
when it slips through the crack?
Do the squirrels catch you
when you are stealing their cache?
I see your head bobbing up & down,
all business-like & looking around,
are you building a nest?
Can’t help but to gawk at you,
you are just that colorful.
Dead in front of me
like you can not believe.
So, tell me, redbird,
are you free?

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