What I hope I’d learned.

What I hope I had learned:
nobody knows what they are doing.
They try to stop you from going anywhere
because they themselves are scared.

Earn your independence at all cost,
it’s the foundation of all else to come.
People will tell you that this is wrong
then do their darnedest to weight you down.

Next comes the journey to be free,
don’t think it’s as easy as it sounds.
Pay attention to how you spend your time.
Staying too comfortable you got it wrong.

Follow your passion is as cliché as they come.
Listen to the heartbeat whatever you’ve been running from.
It does not matter if it’s impossible or nobody will remember.
Sweet is the life that’s obstinately on fire.

For your dissatisfaction.

Sorry I missed the memo
about how everybody else feels.
You work for their satisfactions.
I’m sure the pressure is real.

But I’m a hard-bargaining bitch
came with certain obligations.
No one ever asked me to read any agreement.
“Just deal with it, woman & don’t complain.”

No, I will not do it
just because everyone else does it.
I want to think on it still &
more time sizing you up.

It’s not that I don’t trust you,
this one has to go with the heart.
Oh, fuck it! I never do trust,
you know it, I’ve learned that much.

Just a crack.

The sludge is heavy in here. Everything’s still, so still, exactly how I left it the previous day. Do I wish something to change out of the blue? My little predictable domain? Always expecting surprises and keeping getting disappointed. But I have to write it down. It has been too long and something wants to get out. I want something else to change so it’s easier to deal. Getting distracted. My eyes roam but they miss everything. From my vantage point I can’t make out a damned thing that I can use. I hear nothing but dead static noises made by something that’s suffocating me that’s also making me comfortably warm. I feel like a ghost inside a box that’s already buried. A confine? A coffin?

I slide open the door a crack. Just a crack, because it’s supposed to be frigid cold outside. But what’s this? What IS this? I nudge my nose inside the crack like a dog lapping at the rushing cool fresh air and I get the sensations: like the first dab of a painter’s brush, like the weak yet triumphant cries of a baby bird; like the glassy eyes of a lazing cat in the afternoon sun. It smells, upon closer reliance on my eyes, of wet, supple, black, juicy earth, of the blushing-green brave new grasses upon it, of the tree that’s full of majestic life opening, connecting to the whole of the sky, and to me. I implore, beg my nostrils to open wider, get a life, fly high while still hiding my under-appreciating bulk inside safety and warmth. Just poking my nose out between the crack like a fucking junkie inhaling the life back into the body.

Then I closed the door and started working on getting rid of something I can’t possibly live without.


Dig it out! Dig it out!
Do you know the source?
I want to ruin it,
I want to gnaw on its bones.

For making me yearning
whatever it’s selling.
Almost on it, misdirected.
Hunger for more, more, more.

Cut it out, cut it out!
Tripping me up my rhythm,
messing me up my flow.
I hate you more than myself.

Thank you for being the target
of life’s dissatisfactions.
Sleepy restlessness, can’t stop
faking it like I’m feeling it.

Do you have it though?
Have you seen it around?
Can you carry a secret?
Afraid it might bounce?

Every minute, every time,
take a breath, make a sigh.
Have nothing but my mind.
Didn’t notice? Are you blind?

I’m worth it, I’m worth it.
I’m lonely, still worth it.
Cool the gills, learn to chill.
Here comes the source for my bills.


It’s not necessary to despair,
there’s infinite possibilities.
No one can try them all,
up to you to make that journey.

When they present you with a choice
know what they don’t have:
your unique perspectives.
So follow your path with all your worth.

Life’s a state of mind.
The enlightened calls for emptiness,
yet still afraid when death comes.
Why is that? Being dust is peaceful enough.

It’s not wrong to cling & indulge.
It’s not right to love with abundance.
It’s nice to know your place
just to have a look at the infinite.