Period Talk – Dec, Dec Edition.

periodicTable.png Stealing time, that’s how it feels to me. Since signing up the woman-fun-ride package I often get the sense that my body is not my own. Ever since hitting (didn’t see it coming for damn sure) puberty I’ve been facing the biological-firing-squad that just keeps on playing this little game of “Ready! Aim! Fire!”, except they keep the communication to themselves of course. Then I’d be down for awhile. Picking myself up is always a learning curve, can’t say I got the hang of it yet but there’s always the next time.

So I went to 日本 (Japan, yay!) at the beginning of December after consulting my very own periodic table making sure I wouldn’t be caught red-handed. What I forgot is that my body is rather like an amusement park it tends to break down under unexpected-traveling load. And why not just happen to happen on the night of our 温泉 (hot-spring) town stay. Nice body I got here, we are in sync like THAT. Guess I shouldn’t complain too much, there are perks in being zombified after all, the stomach becomes a bottomless hole, not to mention all the reactions with people become automatic due to the lowered input rate from the vastly over-rated consciousness. Go team! Of course I bathed in the 温泉 regardless. I figured it’s all organic matter anyway so I wouldn’t want to miss the one chance to do the unthinkable to the locals (It’s only a slow leak at that point, in case you are weirdly grossed out).

Then the firing-squad did it again at the end of the same month. For that I just want to say thank you, so much, for making me not caring as much (or at all) about how I should behave in the parties, in front of all the relatives. It’s just the perfect time of the year to be under the influence of low blood-sugar and low self-control. I had a blast at both occasions. It is the roller coaster ride that just keeps on flowing.

You’re so vivid.

Can’t help being
under-rated,
distracted,
drawn in,
afraid to let go.

You’re so vivid.

Not made
for your own good.
Don’t mind but
thousands are fated
to follow.

Nothing you can do about it.

So cool it burns.
Life plays its part.
Center of every drama,
shine so brightly
it’s gotta hurt.

Vivid is the truth.

Can’t go anywhere without
the power on alert,
holding tight for
turbulence ahead.
Love is to blame.

Can’t look away.

Just fucking live.

Here I am laying on my sick bed
staring at an ugly neon sign that says “JOY”
listening to the moaning & sweet agonies,
why don’t you just fucking live already!

You know what I’m gonna do when I’m outta bed?
I’m gonna write some poems, do my own things,
fuck some shit up, who cares it’s all for nothing.
Why won’t you just fucking make the cut!

I understand being misunderstood, being owned,
being overlooked, being alone but please GOD
don’t let it be self-pity your default mode.
Why can’t you just cry power and let it be yours!

You’re driving people insane with the circling & circling.
Leaving folks behind is painful & necessary.
The only question you need to ask really is this:
Who & what the fuck is next & no “thank you, please”!

Napping thought – Dec 31st.

What is a normal person? I just realized I’ve never met a normal person in my life. Me being a slightly crazy person I fancy myself to be am constantly surprised by other people. Is the concept of a normal person but a social fantasy? Is being normal really normal? If so, have a Very Normal 2019!

Strangers.

We can fuck, we can laugh, we can roll in the mud,
still it doesn’t feel like home.
Often I find myself masterbathing alone.
Sometimes, cry a little afterwards, reasons unknown.

We are still strangers, learning a common language,
misunderstanding the norm, compromise the rule.
It’s nice to stop trying & admit the truth:
as much as love binds, we all sing different tunes.

There’s beauty in alienation & thorny circumstances.
Makes you see more, feel more, touch more, doesn’t it?
Living without fighting is not how it’s supposed to go.
Break a little, cry a little, for the stranger inside your soul.

Keep them out.

We talk, eyes lively.
Keep them out, keep them out!

Don’t lose sight of the strategy.
Keep them out, keep them out!

Wrap all the cards, let them work hard.
Keep them out, keep them out!

Holiday cheers, laughing through tears.
Keep them out, keep them out!

Give me the hard version.
Keep them out!

FB, RL’s different.
Keep them out!

Happy Holidays, visitors away!
Have them out, keep them out!

Napping thought – Dec 18.

If any living organisms making up us humans suddenly decide they don’t want to function anymore, or they want to be part of a fish as a matter of will, well, they can’t. They can die relative to the body, according to the nature of their elements but they are not equipped with the faculties (far as we know) to think and to decide if they want a better life somewhere else. The path has been made for them. As humans, arguably the cumulation of the same evolutionary forces, we have that ability and we are conscious of the power of it to some degree. Whether we use it deliberately well enough is another matter. I just think, far as this afternoon Zzz goes, it is the most precious thing indeed.

Do you know yourself now?

What I’m looking for: someone to believe in me.
What I’m afraid of: whoever believes in me.
Do you know yourself now?

Pointedly asking for the what,
never dared to ask the how.
Do you know yourself now?

Chase and it goes away,
let it go & it shows its face.
Do you know yourself now?

Ever planning the end of the game.
when it comes I run away.
Do you know yourself now?

Lay my desires along side my hate.
Blaming the stories made outta clays.
Do you know yourself now?

Chain my despairs at the night’s gate.
When morning comes is the sun really the same?
Do you know yourself now?

Life made sense once upon a time.
Holding onto a feeling to feel alright.
Do you know yourself now?

Every body wants the beef in the stew.
But do you now see the veggies in the soup?
Do you know yourself now?