Modern primal.

It’s been 3 years since I had a job. To be truthful, doing my own startup was partly a ruse. I simply could not go on with the way I was any more. Was it so bad? Having a baseline tech job, a lazy, unobservant, baby-wanting husband and my ever-ticking bio-bomb.

I was in a cage, where all the trappings are controlled by a mechanism that’s impersonal and superficial. Fed by the free, hip, doped-up food and beers, you’d think I’d be happier.

I thought I craved structured and predictable life. But I was gazing into the horizon, feeling lost, all the time. Then Trump was elected.

Somehow I knew on the election day, he would be our choice. I didn’t vote for him, but before the results were in, I knew America was ready to try out another path. I was not going to judge. I was ready for another path too.

Our ancestors lived on their wits and the fortune’s hand. “I’m ready for my day’s blessing now” is my mantra in the morning. I admit, I should have done this a long time ago. I should have moved out of my parents’ house and struck out on my own, then maybe… .

Even now, I’m not self-powered. I rely on my husband. I wonder if I’m just so selfish and self-centered and parasitic. I often feel the urge to tell him, “I’m gonna have to let you go. You are an OK person, but I have no use for you any more. You will find some female who is more….” Suitable? Fuck it, I don’t fucking care. That’s not true. I feel guilt when I look at him.

How I day-dream about my life. I think I’m living it actually. A cushion to fall back on when I run out of steam. That’s very important. God, how I wish that I haven’t learned the lessons I learned! The practical, survival, self-preserving, always moderate center point that is now solid.

There was a time, when that center would slip, and the world would tilt a little, then I would see the world as if it’s underwater. I was someone else. I liked that feeling. Not being myself.

I want to roam and forage. Run with, be hunted and chased by pristine animals. People are not pristine. I’m not pristine. But I want to be.

They.

“They” is not for me,
it’s for them
who only sees a woman
to be impregnated
or just a man
to be domesticated.
“She” & “He” work perfectly
though only momentarily,
then the spirit rises & wanes,
you may know me differently.
But don’t be confused,
it’s me as a whole.
You may be surprised
pleasantly or otherwise.
Which is the big deal
now you need to know,
not everyone’s binary
that fit into your ideals.
“They” is for you.

Assorted Rats.

——-

You have to go the whole way
there’s no stop nor sit & wait.
You won’t see anyone for miles,
only you and your demon lords.

You think it’s going to be an easy win.
There are books and movies with happy ends.
And you brought them for all they were worth,
falling asleep among the heroes & merchandises.

There’s no heaven nor hell to escape
unless you somehow make it to the script,
then you can write & sing HIS praise,
have your face among the saints.

But you know it ain’t true,
life’s a rose,
little bugs & thorns
if you bother to get close.

Or you can say it’s a bitch
like mama who gives you flesh,
never pointing out the obvious,
she doesn’t like it here either.

You have to go the whole way
don’t discount your pains.
They are already afraid
of you, reaching the stars and sky.

———-

I don’t care any more if I’m smart or the opposite.
All the judgements & comparisons are making me sick.
Worse, it made me a terrible human being.
There’s no way to get around it,
if you don’t let your light shine
however it wants, whenever it wants
what’s the point of living?
Just so I can reproduce and
watch the kids making the same mistakes?

Nah, the solution can only start with me.
When you are hurrying me, I will let you know,
there’s no late nor early, I’m right on schedule.
It’s transcendental, woodoo-speak & all natural.
So quit judging everyone cause you have nowhere to go,
holding onto some vague sentiment & all enforcer-mode.
There’s nothing to see here but smokes & mirrors.
If that’s your thing, well, pay for the new channels.
Concentration of wealth because we’ve been told,
“if you buy this, own that, you’d be whole.”

Oceans of plastics and continents of land-fills.
Rapes the earth till his last breath cause we entitled.
Oh, wait, I should have used “her” instead,
will that make you more comfortable?
Righteousness’ virtue as old as tombs and caves.
Women are commodities & children raised by commercials.
As long as the money flows, it’s cancer for gold.
Join in the kill, there’s no second fills.
Be the worst you can, who cares if it’s going downhill.

But there’s a catch, maybe you suspect,
whenever you do something rotten your soul pays the price.
So maybe grow some sense and patience and mind,
everyone gets to a point, to face what’s inside.

—–

I looked into the future
and filled with dread.
Tittering on divorce
cause we just don’t fit.
Maybe it’s God’s plan
or the devils, who cares?
That’s the problem,
everything’s too real
until they turn out fake.
It’s not natural,
it’s subatomic,
multiple universes
collide in the consciousness.
If we turn mystical
there’s no limit.
If it’s all scientific
how do we really know?

——

I’d rather be unknown,
as a free creature who roams.
Each identity finds its home,
only then I can be happy.

Miseries.

All my folks know is miseries
from the cradle to the grave.
All they know is miseries,
that’s where they seem to live.

They hand me down their miseries,
they let it roll and it rolls.
From wide-eyed to pinched heart
no way to count its toll.

All I know is miseries,
and the supposed black hearts and deeds.
All I expect is miseries,
it’s the one thing I can see.

I don’t want no miseries,
one thing ends another can begin.
The fear and longing for miseries
are the reason we are not free.

I don’t see no miseries
maybe you’ve made me blind.
I don’t accept no miseries
not from you or any one.

I don’t create my own miseries,
just having fun giving it a run.
Don’t talk to me about miseries.
It is just one of them.