I miss that feeling I get when I’m in the middle of the ocean, and the tides and the undercurrents are at odds working together. I get scared and exhausted. I remember that feeling.

Then it’s time to learn what’s wrong with that. Why I can’t just let it go and not worry about the future. Things become predictable, or appear to be so.

Waiting for the bubble to burst. Too scared to do it myself. Who am I to demand and claim? Even myself?

I try difficult things to beat myself down. “See? You can’t succeed. You don’t have what it takes.” Eyes on the prize. Keeping things outside.

Have I grown up? Am I still that child trapped? What should I do?

I was raised by parents
that were disturbed,
emotionally abusive
though they truly love me.
It doesn’t make it easier
or less confusing.
Was it OK to push them away?

It hurts knowing I couldn’t help.
It hurts watching them
hurt themselves.
Getting crushed by this
tense atmosphere of
“Wrong! Wrong!! Wrong!!!”,
learned to maintain
my sanity at all cost.

Shut the door,
shut the window,
don’t let it show.
It’s no use, I can’t
break them outta their own hell.
Was it selfish to keep my distance
while I was so weak & lost?

I can’t stay still
my heart hurts.
Where is my heart?
I can’t find it.
I’ve hidden it too well.