Category: random feels

I grow over you.

I thought you were the only one who could read me,
we were two of a kind.
Even after you slapped me twice and sent away my cat.

You said you were treated liked a girl growing up,
that’s why you treat women the way you do,
belittle them to make yourself feel more like a man.

I was told I was a mistake, should’ve been a boy.
You know what, no biggie, kinda used to disappointment.
I suspect you wouldn’t know how to raise a boy anyway.

My mother’s neurotic and she’s not even on the wine.
Got gallbladder stones from all the rage, never been treated kind.
Hollering for justice with all the righteousness of the blind.

I learned to appear calm when the two are howling at each other.
Every time though I feel the tinge of pain some place left to my heart.
I can move out, but somehow, people make me anxious like they gonna explode.

I didn’t want to grow up like this, but I did grow up like this and now
I’m finally in a space of my own. I can do crazy things, meet crazy people
and act I’ve been happy all along. I still doubt. I’m afraid. I’m in control.

I wanna fuck my husband.

I wanna fuck my husband.
I like them a little feminine.
When I have penned up aggression,
here’s someone warm & complying.

He can be the one that gives away,
looking at his face for pleasure or pain,
causing something inside to vibrate,
nothing to be ashamed of cause we married.

It may sounds a little gay,
it’s OK we are both straight (what they say).
He tells me he doesn’t want to go all the way.
I see to it we both get a little taste.

Hey hey hey.

Aftermath.

Here you are, my limitation
reminding me I’m outta the line.
Don’t know why I’m trying so hard
keep pushing my weakest point.

It’s not me, it’s me, again & again.
People laughs, saying there’s nothing there,
it cuts through the cheese, through the board,
through the heart that’s futile to protect.

I can see it in your eyes,
I’m a disappointment, I’m wasting your time.
Still I push on, you’re amused,
I hold on to myself, I’m here for this.

Where am I? Just wanting it to be over?
Where am I? Still trying to be someone else?
I’m here! I am here! It’s all that matters.
You should know it, you could feel it.

Who cares about the aftermath.

Unsteady.

I’m unsteady.
After autumn comes spring.
I’m unsteady.
Mocked for being a graceless wretch.
I’m unsteady.
Not your friendly, agreeable type.
I might bump into you
without an apology
cause I really don’t notice it.

I’m unsteady.
Resigning to fate.
I’m tumbling.
You laugh at me.
I play footloose with gravity.
My hands quick & the branch’s sturdy.
Unconsciously I save myself.
You’re amazed at my agility.
I think it’s a pity
I’m not head over heel.

I’m unsteady.
No script, all actors.
Too cool to be real.
Just a healthy dose of no fucks given.
I may hail you as a villain,
so we are even, so we can be
unsteady, interestingly,
defiantly, definably.
To pave the ground
for those to walk on
who can be unsteady.

A Valentine.

I want you to thrive,
I want you to be happy.
I want you have everything you dreamt of,
I want that something to be me.

Keep warm now the whole world’s freezing,
now I know why you move so timidly.
Learned to slow down & to look around,
checking the map & passing it along.

How many tumbles you omitted?
How many you forgot?
Does it make you feel like a god who
gets to decide what’s right, what’s wrong?

The few that came back,
nobody’s as intact.
The places you’ve been,
even fewer can relate.

Easy on the mends,
freedom at your command.
No longer a diamond in the rough,
you’re a shining star.

Traditional.

My lover’s taller than me,
rise to my toes can’t reach his lips.
Can’t wrap around, hmmm, just barely,
every day, little by little, piece by piece.

That person is getting heavier every day,
when he covers me I can’t get out.
Trapped between the sheet & the body heat,
don’t try to save me when the bomb goes off.

Thank the Lord he’s not that smart,
missing cues right and left.
Sometimes he shocks me with insight
& I duly renew my respect.

What do you mean it’s not about me,
all about me? It’s about us?
We’re not just strangers in a house?
Can’t I just feel like checking out?

My better half’s more womanly,
stain on the floor he notices it.
Claims the kitchen has no master,
I’m the one wondering what’s wrong with him.

New year, Don, pig, boy toy, man in the house,
at least you do know I’ve been hanging on.
I told you about my abandonment issue,
might wanna reconsider the next time you tell me to,

“Get outta my house.”
Joking or not.

Loved.

I’m poor in “love”, that’s
something no one can define.
You said you’d be happy to spot me,
I said, “Yeh, right, good luck.”

Really can’t afford to reminisce
as I’m observing this chemical reaction
where the participants are biological agents,
they come & they go like nothing really happened.

I wish I can forget the ramifications,
load up on blockers so I can enjoy the bend.
But it still feels as empty as the promise,
leap of faith requires faith to begin with.

I wish to love someday, if not someone.
It’s selfishness, you may think otherwise,
to do the deed that’s biologically decreed.
On that day I will just say, “It’s OK, I don’t mind.”

For your dissatisfaction.

Sorry I missed the memo
about how everybody else feels.
You work for their satisfactions.
I’m sure the pressure is real.

But I’m a hard-bargaining bitch
came with certain obligations.
No one ever asked me to read any agreement.
“Just deal with it, woman & don’t complain.”

No, I will not do it
just because everyone else does it.
I want to think on it still &
more time sizing you up.

It’s not that I don’t trust you,
this one has to go with the heart.
Oh, fuck it! I never do trust,
you know it, I’ve learned that much.