Category: random feels

A Valentine.

I want you to thrive,
I want you to be happy.
I want you have everything you dreamt of,
I want that something to be me.

Keep warm now the whole world’s freezing,
now I know why you move so timidly.
Learned to slow down & to look around,
checking the map & passing it along.

How many tumbles you omitted?
How many you forgot?
Does it make you feel like a god who
gets to decide what’s right, what’s wrong?

The few that came back,
nobody’s as intact.
The places you’ve been,
even fewer can relate.

Easy on the mends,
freedom at your command.
No longer a diamond in the rough,
you’re a shining star.

Traditional.

My lover’s taller than me,
rise to my toes can’t reach his lips.
Can’t wrap around, hmmm, just barely,
every day, little by little, piece by piece.

That person is getting heavier every day,
when he covers me I can’t get out.
Trapped between the sheet & the body heat,
don’t try to save me when the bomb goes off.

Thank the Lord he’s not that smart,
missing cues right and left.
Sometimes he shocks me with insight
& I duly renew my respect.

What do you mean it’s not about me,
all about me? It’s about us?
We’re not just strangers in a house?
Can’t I just feel like checking out?

My better half’s more womanly,
stain on the floor he notices it.
Claims the kitchen has no master,
I’m the one wondering what’s wrong with him.

New year, Don, pig, boy toy, man in the house,
at least you do know I’ve been hanging on.
I told you about my abandonment issue,
might wanna reconsider the next time you tell me to,

“Get outta my house.”
Joking or not.

Loved.

I’m poor in “love”, that’s
something no one can define.
You said you’d be happy to spot me,
I said, “Yeh, right, good luck.”

Really can’t afford to reminisce
as I’m observing this chemical reaction
where the participants are biological agents,
they come & they go like nothing really happened.

I wish I can forget the ramifications,
load up on blockers so I can enjoy the bend.
But it still feels as empty as the promise,
leap of faith requires faith to begin with.

I wish to love someday, if not someone.
It’s selfishness, you may think otherwise,
to do the deed that’s biologically decreed.
On that day I will just say, “It’s OK, I don’t mind.”

For your dissatisfaction.

Sorry I missed the memo
about how everybody else feels.
You work for their satisfactions.
I’m sure the pressure is real.

But I’m a hard-bargaining bitch
came with certain obligations.
No one ever asked me to read any agreement.
“Just deal with it, woman & don’t complain.”

No, I will not do it
just because everyone else does it.
I want to think on it still &
more time sizing you up.

It’s not that I don’t trust you,
this one has to go with the heart.
Oh, fuck it! I never do trust,
you know it, I’ve learned that much.

Just a crack.

The sludge is heavy in here. Everything’s still, so still, exactly how I left it the previous day. Do I wish something to change out of the blue? My little predictable domain? Always expecting surprises and keeping getting disappointed. But I have to write it down. It has been too long and something wants to get out. I want something else to change so it’s easier to deal. Getting distracted. My eyes roam but they miss everything. From my vantage point I can’t make out a damned thing that I can use. I hear nothing but dead static noises made by something that’s suffocating me that’s also making me comfortably warm. I feel like a ghost inside a box that’s already buried. A confine? A coffin?

I slide open the door a crack. Just a crack, because it’s supposed to be frigid cold outside. But what’s this? What IS this? I nudge my nose inside the crack like a dog lapping at the rushing cool fresh air and I get the sensations: like the first dab of a painter’s brush, like the weak yet triumphant cries of a baby bird; like the glassy eyes of a lazing cat in the afternoon sun. It smells, upon closer reliance on my eyes, of wet, supple, black, juicy earth, of the blushing-green brave new grasses upon it, of the tree that’s full of majestic life opening, connecting to the whole of the sky, and to me. I implore, beg my nostrils to open wider, get a life, fly high while still hiding my under-appreciating bulk inside safety and warmth. Just poking my nose out between the crack like a fucking junkie inhaling the life back into the body.

Then I closed the door and started working on getting rid of something I can’t possibly live without.

Source.

Dig it out! Dig it out!
Do you know the source?
I want to ruin it,
I want to gnaw on its bones.

For making me yearning
whatever it’s selling.
Almost on it, misdirected.
Hunger for more, more, more.

Cut it out, cut it out!
Tripping me up my rhythm,
messing me up my flow.
I hate you more than myself.

Thank you for being the target
of life’s dissatisfactions.
Sleepy restlessness, can’t stop
faking it like I’m feeling it.

Do you have it though?
Have you seen it around?
Can you carry a secret?
Afraid it might bounce?

Every minute, every time,
take a breath, make a sigh.
Have nothing but my mind.
Didn’t notice? Are you blind?

I’m worth it, I’m worth it.
I’m lonely, still worth it.
Cool the gills, learn to chill.
Here comes the source for my bills.

Infinite.

It’s not necessary to despair,
there’s infinite possibilities.
No one can try them all,
up to you to make that journey.

When they present you with a choice
know what they don’t have:
your unique perspectives.
So follow your path with all your worth.

Life’s a state of mind.
The enlightened calls for emptiness,
yet still afraid when death comes.
Why is that? Being dust is peaceful enough.

It’s not wrong to cling & indulge.
It’s not right to love with abundance.
It’s nice to know your place
just to have a look at the infinite.

Come back.

It’s OK, baby, it’s gonna be alright.
I know it’s hurting again,
it’s that kind of night.
Let it out but allow me to hold you tight.
Go crazy, jump off the cliff,
I’ve got parachute on my back.

We’ll be landing safe,
then crack a joke or two.
It’s up to you
if you feel like going deep.

I’ve seen your face &
that’s what I’m holding onto.
As long as I’m by your side
your wrongs are my right,
I’ve got everything
I ever wanted in life.

So baby, come back.