Author: hotsurf

Like to travel, read, play cello etc.

Just a crack.

The sludge is heavy in here. Everything’s still, so still, exactly how I left it the previous day. Do I wish something to change out of the blue? My little predictable domain? Always expecting surprises and keeping getting disappointed. But I have to write it down. It has been too long and something wants to get out. I want something else to change so it’s easier to deal. Getting distracted. My eyes roam but they miss everything. From my vantage point I can’t make out a damned thing that I can use. I hear nothing but dead static noises made by something that’s suffocating me that’s also making me comfortably warm. I feel like a ghost inside a box that’s already buried. A confine? A coffin?

I slide open the door a crack. Just a crack, because it’s supposed to be frigid cold outside. But what’s this? What IS this? I nudge my nose inside the crack like a dog lapping at the rushing cool fresh air and I get the sensations: like the first dab of a painter’s brush, like the weak yet triumphant cries of a baby bird; like the glassy eyes of a lazing cat in the afternoon sun. It smells, upon closer reliance on my eyes, of wet, supple, black, juicy earth, of the blushing-green brave new grasses upon it, of the tree that’s full of majestic life opening, connecting to the whole of the sky, and to me. I implore, beg my nostrils to open wider, get a life, fly high while still hiding my under-appreciating bulk inside safety and warmth. Just poking my nose out between the crack like a fucking junkie inhaling the life back into the body.

Then I closed the door and started working on getting rid of something I can’t possibly live without.

Source.

Dig it out! Dig it out!
Do you know the source?
I want to ruin it,
I want to gnaw on its bones.

For making me yearning
whatever it’s selling.
Almost on it, misdirected.
Hunger for more, more, more.

Cut it out, cut it out!
Tripping me up my rhythm,
messing me up my flow.
I hate you more than myself.

Thank you for being the target
of life’s dissatisfactions.
Sleepy restlessness, can’t stop
faking it like I’m feeling it.

Do you have it though?
Have you seen it around?
Can you carry a secret?
Afraid it might bounce?

Every minute, every time,
take a breath, make a sigh.
Have nothing but my mind.
Didn’t notice? Are you blind?

I’m worth it, I’m worth it.
I’m lonely, still worth it.
Cool the gills, learn to chill.
Here comes the source for my bills.

Infinite.

It’s not necessary to despair,
there’s infinite possibilities.
No one can try them all,
up to you to make that journey.

When they present you with a choice
know what they don’t have:
your unique perspectives.
So follow your path with all your worth.

Life’s a state of mind.
The enlightened calls for emptiness,
yet still afraid when death comes.
Why is that? Being dust is peaceful enough.

It’s not wrong to cling & indulge.
It’s not right to love with abundance.
It’s nice to know your place
just to have a look at the infinite.

Come back.

It’s OK, baby, it’s gonna be alright.
I know it’s hurting again,
it’s that kind of night.
Let it out but allow me to hold you tight.
Go crazy, jump off the cliff,
I’ve got parachute on my back.

We’ll be landing safe,
then crack a joke or two.
It’s up to you
if you feel like going deep.

I’ve seen your face &
that’s what I’m holding onto.
As long as I’m by your side
your wrongs are my right,
I’ve got everything
I ever wanted in life.

So baby, come back.

Period Talk – Dec, Dec Edition.

periodicTable.png Stealing time, that’s how it feels to me. Since signing up the woman-fun-ride package I often get the sense that my body is not my own. Ever since hitting (didn’t see it coming for damn sure) puberty I’ve been facing the biological-firing-squad that just keeps on playing this little game of “Ready! Aim! Fire!”, except they keep the communication to themselves of course. Then I’d be down for awhile. Picking myself up is always a learning curve, can’t say I got the hang of it yet but there’s always the next time.

So I went to 日本 (Japan, yay!) at the beginning of December after consulting my very own periodic table making sure I wouldn’t be caught red-handed. What I forgot is that my body is rather like an amusement park it tends to break down under unexpected-traveling load. And why not just happen to happen on the night of our 温泉 (hot-spring) town stay. Nice body I got here, we are in sync like THAT. Guess I shouldn’t complain too much, there are perks in being zombified after all, the stomach becomes a bottomless hole, not to mention all the reactions with people become automatic due to the lowered input rate from the vastly over-rated consciousness. Go team! Of course I bathed in the 温泉 regardless. I figured it’s all organic matter anyway so I wouldn’t want to miss the one chance to do the unthinkable to the locals (It’s only a slow leak at that point, in case you are weirdly grossed out).

Then the firing-squad did it again at the end of the same month. For that I just want to say thank you, so much, for making me not caring as much (or at all) about how I should behave in the parties, in front of all the relatives. It’s just the perfect time of the year to be under the influence of low blood-sugar and low self-control. I had a blast at both occasions. It is the roller coaster ride that just keeps on flowing.