Author: hotsurf

Like to travel, read, play cello etc.

Aftermath.

Here you are, my limitation
reminding me I’m outta the line.
Don’t know why I’m trying so hard
keep pushing my weakest point.

It’s not me, it’s me, again & again.
People laughs, saying there’s nothing there,
it cuts through the cheese, through the board,
through the heart that’s futile to protect.

I can see it in your eyes,
I’m a disappointment, I’m wasting your time.
Still I push on, you’re amused,
I hold on to myself, I’m here for this.

Where am I? Just wanting it to be over?
Where am I? Still trying to be someone else?
I’m here! I am here! It’s all that matters.
You should know it, you could feel it.

Who cares about the aftermath.

Red cardinal.

Red cardinal, my cardinal,
darting outta the leaves.
Did you make a home there
in my humble backyard?
Little bird, red bird,
you can’t hide in the grass,
do you mind me loving
on your red feathers
& the black around your face?
Little neighbor, dear neighbor,
do you find comfort here?
Blocked by fences on all sides
& the tall tree covering the sky?
Does the neighbor’s cat hunt you
when it slips through the crack?
Do the squirrels catch you
when you are stealing their cache?
I see your head bobbing up & down,
all business-like & looking around,
are you building a nest?
Can’t help but to gawk at you,
you are just that colorful.
Dead in front of me
like you can not believe.
So, tell me, redbird,
are you free?

lamehorse.png

Unsteady.

I’m unsteady.
After autumn comes spring.
I’m unsteady.
Mocked for being a graceless wretch.
I’m unsteady.
Not your friendly, agreeable type.
I might bump into you
without an apology
cause I really don’t notice it.

I’m unsteady.
Resigning to fate.
I’m tumbling.
You laugh at me.
I play footloose with gravity.
My hands quick & the branch’s sturdy.
Unconsciously I save myself.
You’re amazed at my agility.
I think it’s a pity
I’m not head over heel.

I’m unsteady.
No script, all actors.
Too cool to be real.
Just a healthy dose of no fucks given.
I may hail you as a villain,
so we are even, so we can be
unsteady, interestingly,
defiantly, definably.
To pave the ground
for those to walk on
who can be unsteady.

A Valentine.

I want you to thrive,
I want you to be happy.
I want you have everything you dreamt of,
I want that something to be me.

Keep warm now the whole world’s freezing,
now I know why you move so timidly.
Learned to slow down & to look around,
checking the map & passing it along.

How many tumbles you omitted?
How many you forgot?
Does it make you feel like a god who
gets to decide what’s right, what’s wrong?

The few that came back,
nobody’s as intact.
The places you’ve been,
even fewer can relate.

Easy on the mends,
freedom at your command.
No longer a diamond in the rough,
you’re a shining star.

Traditional.

My lover’s taller than me,
rise to my toes can’t reach his lips.
Can’t wrap around, hmmm, just barely,
every day, little by little, piece by piece.

That person is getting heavier every day,
when he covers me I can’t get out.
Trapped between the sheet & the body heat,
don’t try to save me when the bomb goes off.

Thank the Lord he’s not that smart,
missing cues right and left.
Sometimes he shocks me with insight
& I duly renew my respect.

What do you mean it’s not about me,
all about me? It’s about us?
We’re not just strangers in a house?
Can’t I just feel like checking out?

My better half’s more womanly,
stain on the floor he notices it.
Claims the kitchen has no master,
I’m the one wondering what’s wrong with him.

New year, Don, pig, boy toy, man in the house,
at least you do know I’ve been hanging on.
I told you about my abandonment issue,
might wanna reconsider the next time you tell me to,

“Get outta my house.”
Joking or not.

Loved.

I’m poor in “love”, that’s
something no one can define.
You said you’d be happy to spot me,
I said, “Yeh, right, good luck.”

Really can’t afford to reminisce
as I’m observing this chemical reaction
where the participants are biological agents,
they come & they go like nothing really happened.

I wish I can forget the ramifications,
load up on blockers so I can enjoy the bend.
But it still feels as empty as the promise,
leap of faith requires faith to begin with.

I wish to love someday, if not someone.
It’s selfishness, you may think otherwise,
to do the deed that’s biologically decreed.
On that day I will just say, “It’s OK, I don’t mind.”

What I hope I’d learned.

What I hope I had learned:
nobody knows what they are doing.
They try to stop you from going anywhere
because they themselves are scared.

Earn your independence at all cost,
it’s the foundation of all else to come.
People will tell you that this is wrong
then do their darnedest to weight you down.

Next comes the journey to be free,
don’t think it’s as easy as it sounds.
Pay attention to how you spend your time.
Staying too comfortable you got it wrong.

Follow your passion is as cliché as they come.
Listen to the heartbeat whatever you’ve been running from.
It does not matter if it’s impossible or nobody will remember.
Sweet is the life that’s obstinately on fire.

For your dissatisfaction.

Sorry I missed the memo
about how everybody else feels.
You work for their satisfactions.
I’m sure the pressure is real.

But I’m a hard-bargaining bitch
came with certain obligations.
No one ever asked me to read any agreement.
“Just deal with it, woman & don’t complain.”

No, I will not do it
just because everyone else does it.
I want to think on it still &
more time sizing you up.

It’s not that I don’t trust you,
this one has to go with the heart.
Oh, fuck it! I never do trust,
you know it, I’ve learned that much.