Author: hotsurf

Like to travel, read, play cello etc.

To the swells.

I miss that feeling I get when I’m in the middle of the ocean, and the tides and the undercurrents are at odds working together. I get scared and exhausted. I remember that feeling.

Then it’s time to learn what’s wrong with that. Why I can’t just let it go and not worry about the future. Things become predictable, or appear to be so.

Waiting for the bubble to burst. Too scared to do it myself. Who am I to demand and claim? Even myself?

I try difficult things to beat myself down. “See? You can’t succeed. You don’t have what it takes.” Eyes on the prize. Keeping things outside.

Have I grown up? Am I still that child trapped? What should I do?

TIL.

I was raised by parents
that were disturbed,
emotionally abusive
though they truly love me.
It doesn’t make it easier
or less confusing.
Was it OK to push them away?

It hurts knowing I couldn’t help.
It hurts watching them
hurt themselves.
Getting crushed by this
tense atmosphere of
“Wrong! Wrong!! Wrong!!!”,
learned to maintain
my sanity at all cost.

Shut the door,
shut the window,
don’t let it show.
It’s no use, I can’t
break them outta their own hell.
Was it selfish to keep my distance
while I was so weak & lost?

I can’t stay still
my heart hurts.
Where is my heart?
I can’t find it.
I’ve hidden it too well.

My demon half.

Yo, I got a demon half who agrees
with everything the president’s saying.
Fuck the weak, we got an image to
maintain, you know what I’m saying?
But then I remember why I feel so bad
for so long & it’s all coming to a head.
Life ain’t about the chosen few if
you ain’t one of them.
You’re exceptional, we’re exceptional but
the foundation’s crumbling
like the ice, like them trees, like them
slaves that we keep denying.
Yeh, accumulation creates the wealth but
nature demands even distribution, too.
Just shows it ain’t about the money,
it’s the power of who gets to stay on top
and do the fucking.
I’m sick of the “necessary” evils that are
organically made by a corrupted society.
Hold a loved one in your mind before you act,
no, not yourself, for Christ’s sake!
Can’t take the criticism? Then stop
calling this a democracy.
If this is the best we can do
then what is there to save?