I'm trying to activate myself from a slumber where my mouth is shut and eyes wander. Flutter about like a leaf with no bother. I greet you with joy & an emptiness inside. Give me time, give me space, give me quiet. There's no goal where I'm alone with wounded pride. I can see now where it's gone wrong & what I can do right. If it's up to me, I'd still go the extra mile.
Author: hotsurf
Like to travel, read, play cello etc.
No better.
I know you no better than before. With your new clown suit usher in the age of benevolence. I know you no better than before. Bed of nails we made comfortable. Field of roses left scorched. Smiles with flawless teeth & dagger. How did we go so far to be close? I know you once not long ago. No questions asked we just knew. Worlds we create are our tombs with no name on the grave stones. I know you much better before. No whys, no wheres & no who-s. Somehow in the dream we shared cherish the yearning we never knew.
Tip-toeing the Beast.
It's attracted to honey & blood. Give it a bone it gnaws for hours. Make sure it lays its head to rest, go around its rear to have a taste. Sweet regurgitated horror dreams sewed by air & pierced by light. In a moment the beast smiles & wakes, growling: "I was never chained, you are."
I must have.
I must have been a beast before, long for the open & the hidden. Silence in my head & heart. Vast wilderness & without fear. I must have been a killer before. Rage, pillage as far as I can reach. Then some more & more & more. Fire and thunders rejoice & chase. I must have been a man before. Violent without constraints. Do whatever I please with no charge. Take whatever whoever without remorse. I must have been a monk before. Look down upon the trifle struggles. Look up to find hunger in the soul. Forfeit a candle for an incense. I must have been young before. Spend years hiding all the rest. Fight for a path that's my own. Only to wake up one day to realize that I must have been alive before.
The right to be.
There's the feeling of power and the usual boredom. Time goes fast & slow, feeling like, I'm on the cusp of accepting. The hour is late, this sensation new. Where might it lead? My doom. Will I stand firm even when love sours and the chain cools? What is freedom that doesn't hurt? What is will that's afraid of warmth? All the while, the same sad smile, "My old friend, it's been fine."
Best.
I dig deep & find the beast in me. I can disguise & deceit. But the beast gets lonely. They call it names when they see its face. But it calls out the beast in you you don't even know exists.
Maybe.
I feel something rotten, yet it's registered as a fragrance. Flying colors & dull lives, which is the stream I seek? May it move me. May I listen. Inside the garden & outside the cave. Hold on to the thing that only life can bring. Be aware, be aware of the moments between and then flee.
Wilderness.
I flee whenever I sense difficulty, afraid to face my inadequacies. The walls are getting higher until I can't get any air. Maybe I should rejoice- encountering the weak points, pitch a tent & start a fire, relaxing into the wilderness. And enjoy the adventure.
Functional.
The hateful voice of my mom. The self-loathing of my dad. A narcissist of a grandpa. The insanity of grandma. Where is the love? My love was not enough. A child of family dysfunctions. I left to find myself again. You're you & me, I, full of wonders & now understand. I will love myself again.
Shattered shore.
A loving gaze is like a warm blanket, one that you can take on long trips. The ones unloved are lost in the cold who must learn to keep the fire within.
hotsurf_ 