There's the feeling of power and the usual boredom. Time goes fast & slow, feeling like, I'm on the cusp of accepting. The hour is late, this sensation new. Where might it lead? My doom. Will I stand firm even when love sours and the chain cools? What is freedom that doesn't hurt? What is will that's afraid of warmth? All the while, the same sad smile, "My old friend, it's been fine."
Author: hotsurf
Like to travel, read, play cello etc.
Best.
I dig deep & find the beast in me. I can disguise & deceit. But the beast gets lonely. They call it names when they see its face. But it calls out the beast in you you don't even know exists.
Maybe.
I feel something rotten, yet it's registered as a fragrance. Flying colors & dull lives, which is the stream I seek? May it move me. May I listen. Inside the garden & outside the cave. Hold on to the thing that only life can bring. Be aware, be aware of the moments between and then flee.
Wilderness.
I flee whenever I sense difficulty, afraid to face my inadequacies. The walls are getting higher until I can't get any air. Maybe I should rejoice- encountering the weak points, pitch a tent & start a fire, relaxing into the wilderness. And enjoy the adventure.
Functional.
The hateful voice of my mom. The self-loathing of my dad. A narcissist of a grandpa. The insanity of grandma. Where is the love? My love was not enough. A child of family dysfunctions. I left to find myself again. You're you & me, I, full of wonders & now understand. I will love myself again.
Shattered shore.
A loving gaze is like a warm blanket, one that you can take on long trips. The ones unloved are lost in the cold who must learn to keep the fire within.
Love again.
There's a beast yanking at its chains. I didn't understand what it's saying. "Love again. You must love again." This morning, I suddenly understand. The dead air in my head & the desperation in my so-called life, "Live again, you must begin again. Without love, you were deprived."
Apologies.
If you're a destroyer, destroy. Don't apologize. If you're a lover, fuck shit up. Don't apologize. If you're a mother, live your life, don't apologize. You're doing a thing now, you're doing the thing. The worst thing to do is to apologize for yourself.
Waiting for my mind.
It's worn & haggard, 20 leagues out. Often it cries out, "Wait for me, world, I have an important message." Then it stops. It pauses. It stills. It puzzles. It hums. It chuckles. It get lost.
The fault.
hotsurf_ 