I wanna be still especially when I'm moving.
Being dead is the ultimate goal,
maybe then I'd be a thing.
The blur that's me, the vibration that's bothersome.
And the worst is when it squeezes.
I want to be alone and still, then
maybe I can feel this person that
I happened upon. But it's not all there, is it?
What piece is missing?
I have to find it.
The vibration is the yearning:
to return? To go forth? To finish? To exhaust itself?
I want to be still, so I can think.
The stars have fuel to burn,
I'm but a transient spark,
in love.
The gift.
My mind is a garbage dump.
I have to sort through heaps of junk.
Worst place is where the piles bleed.
It takes time, effort and faith.
On a sunny day the space stinks.
In a dark night creatures creep.
Can't tell you how many times I quit.
Wanna just hitch a ride outta the gate.
Something tells me hell & paradise is the same.
Can't pick & choose what's in front of your face.
Maybe under all the things mama told me I ain't,
I will find the peace to tend to this gift.
Sunset no. 9.
I used to be so in love
with the world, man,
like I do now.
Then I was separated
from it like I was
separated from myself.
I didn't know what I
had was real and
someone wanted me
to be someone else.
I thought maybe
they were right,
because why not?
I lost the gleam
in my eyes and
I hated the
personal hell
where nothing
matters and
it hurts to smile.
Life is a journey.
Am I lucky or not?
All I know is:
the sun's golden ray
is my favorite scent.
That doesn't last
at all.
A quarter to high.
Sometimes it feels like
I've lived past
the point I should.
Everything's in reverse & fast
forward at the same time.
Into a blackhole I can see.
Like a crouching tiger closing in.
A glimpse over the shadow
of peripheral.
It hunts you because
it knows nothing else.
Because it's all you know.
Without suffering to distract
& pleasure to extract
the painful awareness
of coldness of eternity
and the narrowness
of being.
What was I saying again?
Dark.
Birds soar to escape the trees.
Fish jump to silver moonlight.
I wish I've never been born,
so it's just peace & quiet.
The moment is heavy need a drink.
Laughing stupidly at everything nothing.
Moment of bliss so the pain can pass.
If I haven't been born will I be limitless?
Always another (mis)step to curse at.
Someone is at the hem: destructive mirth.
The whinny voice at the back of the head.
If I hadn't been born could it be nice?
It's not a punishment but a grab-all-you-can mall.
Limited access susceptible to flood & hail.
Excuse me while I fill your spot when you fly.
May your feet never touch the ground again.
Inmate No. 5.
Life is a prison sentence.
The bailiff is up my ass.
Love at your risk &
at your own time.
Raw emotions flow
blood red.
High security, sirens,
cell checks & chiv.
Don't need much
just 5 walls &
one way out.
Metalic, dull clicks,
muffled whispers,
where you see
the saints up below.
Hard lessons learned
from hard hands.
So we believe
where we headed
is worse than this.
Heartbeat.
I'm wary of things that should.
I pause to think what it'd mean first.
Life has lots trap doors.
For you, for me when we're day dreaming.
Play catch up to the assignments that
get us to the next spot.
It's a flash of light, a spark then it's done.
The puzzle, the riddle, the look that disappoints.
Find the true north, the rest is noise.
Bait.
I'm afraid to say what I want to say.
The words are shallow & the opening lame.
It's the sunset, the birds or the waves.
Where to begin & where will it end?
It's frightening to define things when
they still dance in your head.
Taunting you, asking you to join in.
In what madness do we think it's worth the time
to freeze life and just live inside?
What am I afraid to find?
The answers to the questions that've been on my mind.
No obligations.
In a world that's so cold, you gotta protect your own soul.
Like a bonfire where the wind blows, keeps you warm, needs your fuel.
When you're young you think you have time,
give others your flame cause it ain't worth a damn.
Far away there's the warning that comes too late,
you're lost in the wilderness & the light is dim.
Maps & stars give no warmth & kindness is on loan.
Hope when you are tired of running from fear & shame
the one with your fire is one and the same.
No rest.
Can I sleep now? Have I passed the test?
Dynamic hammering in my head,
I can get no rest.
Drinking coffee, making myself crazy.
The sun's too bright, the colors swimming.
Always something wakes me up early.
Please I get the message, I've been journaling.
Just give me a break, the shower's miles away.
I want some reprieve - This is going great!
hotsurf_ 