Mountain top, sewage drain,
I'm where I'm meant to be yo
and you're the same.
The trust is gone, still I go on.
I'm where the stars align
only from a different satellite.
My feet wobble, missed steps,
crying shame, meet you on the way.
I'm still standing where I'm supposed to,
wouldn't you say it is fate?

I didn't mean to rebel & that's my fault.
Clinging to a notion of love that's
kinda heavy, kinda smells.
What you want from me is
the prison I built.
I gave you the key,
you promptly tossed.
A self-fulfilling destiny
that's hand-me-down &
one-size-fits-all.
No wonder the holes are
bloody & no one talks about.
If that's living insanity we got.
Maybe looking at yourself,
I dare you, then
see yourself out.

Be loving with yourself,
even though your mother never was.
Dotting on yourself,
even though your father never did.
Listen to yourself,
even though others would not.
Don't do violence against yourself,
even when the world does.
Consider the self,
as only you could.
Illuminate your world
and heal its wounds.

I would brush my hair gently
instead of hurriedly.
I'd marvel at each strand &
take care not to
break it from the root.
I'd call my parents &
tell them I love them &
there's nothing to forgive.
I'd go out more to dance &
laugh without
feeling lonely, after.
I would care less &
appreciate more.
I would perhaps
return your love &
your touch.
I would do
all the things
you say I
could do.
If I love myself.

I fret the next thing I have to do
as if it's an enemy,
a guard that would
herald me to my prison.
In reality,
they might be dragging me
outta mine.
I resent them anyway.

May you forget what you're afraid of.
As you float to the clouds with
murmuring but nothing more.
When you're afraid you think
too much & you build walls just
for it to crumble because you
want out.
I hope you forget what you're afraid of.

Have you encountered yourself?
I have not. It's not something
I like thinking about. I see
the upside of buried in toil &
forget about my will. But,
I can not: wounded pride &
nowhere to hide or 
hiding too well. Life is
harder on the mind &
soul. The body follows
a moment too soon. You'll
miss everything if you truly
live. Is it better than
not knowing? I wish you
get used to hurting yourself.
Then maybe be whole.

Other people's expectations give me pause,
and yet every step of my life, every moment,
I have expectations of.
I didn't give life enough room to breathe.
Because of fear and expectations.
Maybe loosen the grip just a bit?

They didn't care I never smiled,
never talked about what I want
or what makes me happy.
It's over their heads, I know.
They're not the adults, I'm
not their kid. It's an entanglement
so hard to leave. Because of
all the love wasted, lying open,
bugs, flies, shame-infested.
All the buttons made & pressed deep.
It takes a flood to wipe it clean.
I need it clean. The same faces.
Time is the flood, we just lay there
and wait.