Till the real thing comes along.

Didn’t even know what I was looking for, only that something’s missing. I didn’t even remember the shape of it, how was I supposed to start looking. Days stretches to snapshots of numb desperation that years are stocked by. Money is the king, forget that I used to have dreams. Unreasonably reasonable. Take what everybody else approved of and call it a life. My god, and you think you are depressing.

I talk to you. God. You have always been a good listener, I lay my burdens on you and you help me to endure. But this is not life, all I wanted to do was to escape, until I have a sane place to stay, which just turns to another prison with another inmate. I was inanimate-ed, killing the inspirations, or better yet, heave them onto the guilt-pile, into the dumpster, the waste bin that my soul has become. I’m jealous of things that are unmoving.

No risk taken, what’s the point. If all things just lead to the same end. The journey was but a childhood dream. Grow up and get married with a suitable mate and have kids. Who cares if I suck up, fuck up my life. I’m too old for a change anyway.

I hate my parents, for bandaging me, hate them for giving me an excuse to take the easy way out, not being myself. I hate that thing that’s inside me, telling me to fly, but where and why and how. Too easy to figure out. I hate myself, for leaping, not far enough.

Searching, always searching, for something to help me being. Then one day, I saw. I saw the white eyes on a white face, they showed me you. “Are you for real?” No, you are not the savior, nor the destroyer, you are beyond good and evil. There’s no doubt. Nobody should envy you, but one day, when all that hate and jealousy and sheer incredulity subside, there will be enough of us who will chew you as people do chew those tragic figures from Greek Mythology. For your humanity (laughs). You give no quarters, cause fate gives you none.

Something from Lord of Rings figures you well: “In place of the Dark Lord you will set up a Queen. And I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair!” How many of them are loving you, and how many are despairing. Did they even stand a chance? Or you were just kidding.

Now back to me, I’m a nobody, I do not have it figured out. But, somehow I found you and what you stand for, believe me it’s un-intentional. How did you hide so well? People see what they want to see I suppose. You want to be found, but it takes time and something else to discover you. People will learn different things. Very little of those things are for general consumption. But don’t worry about having no one to applaud you. You must know that you are not alone. I hope the number grows, cause this shit is getting weak. Life becomes death, and death becomes a relief. We forget how and for whom to fight. Sweets taste like tears. Body decays without being worked on. Fear rules with personalized ads. Heart is in the purse, and the purse is stolen.

I know love. It’s not for a person. It’s complicated. I love now, I love yesterday, I love morning breakfast. I love the person I used to be. I love the person I left behind. I love my parents who I can not help and one day they will die and it will be my fault. I love my partner, not. I don’t know. How does love work again? Can one only love the things one have lost or are losing? It’s way too easy to say goodbye. Silly people, only after taking the leap, do they know how far they will be falling. Endless falling. Nobody can catch me now.

So writing and venting instead. Have to have a life somehow. And you showed me how. With and without the sentiment that we have to start with, it’s all technicality and mechanics anyway. Observations lead to experiments. And who knows what marvelous things we will find on that journey, while the bag is empty and more drinks on the way. There’s a rhythm to it.

If you are going away some day, don’t worry about what you are leaving behind. You have changed at least this one life. So lucky to be alive.

Are you safe:

Step step
pause for a
cigarette
kindly stretching
the made up
moment
effect apparent.

No applause
darkness can’t
respond
too close
to death
breath
withheld.

Neatly slain
with hope
for
entertainment
scented with
love
more for sale.

Light on me
prayer on you
fits you well
final dance
is mine
swirl stir
home home again.

Lost.

“I’m yours.”

At first, Qi thinks he might burst out laughing, for surely this is a joke. For more than a mad second, He 100% expects Rev to get up, alive and kicking, bending over with that loud laughter of his, grinning at him with shiny eyes for believing for even a second that he is, indeed, dead. Rev is still, Qi tries to be still too, for him, for them both. So he does not laugh, just as Rev is not able to anymore. Qi is calm, part of him thinks that he knows that this absurd calamity is coming (he blames himself, he blames them all, he blames himself). Another part of him blames that first part of him for even attempting to cope with the fact that his young love is laying on a cold table, cold and dead, and trying to find a rationale behind all of these (he blames himself). He can feel himself desperately trying to come up with a coping method, it does not help. He then automatically starting to look for a coping strategy, it does not hold. He grasps in vain for a coping stratagem, it submerges into the abyss under its own weight. The truth is, Rev died while holding Qi’s heart. It has stopped beating along with his. He is in ruins. He needs to escape. Again. Only this time, he knows that he is lost.

No more talks at all hours.
No more laughing about higher lives.

No more “man, you suck.”
No more “dude, you rock.”

No more toppling society and regimes,
No more aliens bringing about peace.

No more “what you doing tomorrow, next week.”
No more “the rest of our lives, what do you think.”

No more “ahh, do it again.”
No more “what were you thinking, fuck him.”

No more “I miss you, do you miss me.”
No more “wish you are here, I’m high as a kite.”

No more “I love you.”
No more “You are mine.”

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/WMfk6LxhE0U?rel=0

Love.

“I love you.” Rev said that so quietly as if he meant it with his heart and soul, not just his breath, as Qi knew that he did. Such statement is not meant to be uttered, between two boys, in public, at least not in such a clear, straight-forward, fucking no-nonsensical way. But that’s just the kinda person Rev is, sensitive yet unreserved, putting his and others heart on his sleeves, not caring at all what others may be charging him with. He lives a life of his own. “It’s a pity,” Qi thinks, “I will need to be more careful handling him from now on. He may be a genius, but also just a child”. For you see, Qi himself is a character for the age or is it ages. He does love like film industry does fantasy novels: tenderly processed and heavily advertised. It’s all for an advantage of course. But he is chasing after something. The only thing that gives him satisfaction is connectedness, if “love” or a version of it can give him more access, then why not. After all, he has nothing to lose. Or so he thinks.

“I love you.” There is nowhere to go. For the first time ever, Qi has to consider what those three words mean. Underneath all that well-developed self-preservation and self-pity, he knows he has something to lose. Something he tries very hard to conceal. A soul so deep, that no light has ever penetrated its surface. And a heart so bleached, he’s afraid it may simply flake off and evaporate into the sunlight. There’s no helping him. All Qi needs is to escape, keep moving. Be a shadow with no shape. But now it’s different. His soul is stirring and his heart, oh boy, his heart is filling in a way he does not yet understand, all these despite the rough handlings by Rev, and perhaps because of it. His whole being is responding to Rev’s sincerity, the intensity of his conviction. He’s humming to it. He’s coming up for air, realizing in amazement that he’s been suffocating himself all this time. Qi does not like this at first. He’s rightfully afraid. He has been played before, for the flower and nectar of his youth. He is the player now, been there for awhile, and yet, this boy is challenging him and is beating him in his own game. Qi is thrilled. He needs a match, even though he did not realize that he did. And Rev surpassed any and all of his expectations to be his equal, or perhaps superior. Qi likes that. That thing he’s chasing after is chasing him, the real him.

“I love you.” How could he? Even with all that he knows? Qi wonders. It could be his accursed good-looks. Again. But Rev himself is commanding enough in his own right. If anyone looks at them, really looks at them, they may think it’s a match made in heaven or hell, or a fairytale. The light and the dark. They match perfectly. Too perfectly. Qi and Rev have known each other for awhile, and Qi always thought Rev as a brilliant and unruly friend. They have such funs together, as mates should. But the way Rev looks at Qi changed, is this just a crush?

“I love you.” Qi knows who himself is. He’s addictive, especially for those eager to have more than just a taste of life. His beauty and attractiveness chiefly lies in the struggle between his spirit and his soul. The former wants to soar above as far as one can go and still further, while the latter patiently await the inevitable crash that comes with going too far, too fast. He’s not used to having someone along for the ride. He has no room for his heart in his wild rides. In fact, he’s trying to outrun it. That is until Rev finds and keeps his heart for him. Now the room is full.

“I love you.” With consequences. Alive.