Author: hotsurf

Like to travel, read, play cello etc.

Once upon a time.

I try to escape a feeling,
& I know you know it too,
that the world’s at your fingertips
& you can fuck it if you so choose.

But I’m afraid of something,
something up above,
that tells me, “no, no, no,
you are not enough.”

You are not enough.
You are not enough.

So I got outta the way,
to sulk, to reflect,
to find a way to have faith.
I thought it was OK.

Thought it was OK.
Thought it was OK.

But, but, why can’t I breath?
Choices I didn’t make.
Living a life that
I’m watching from the outside.

The world’s at my fingertips.
I’ll fuck it if I so choose.
You can stare or look away.
You can tell me you’re not afraid.

But don’t be late, time won’t wait.
Enough is enough, to read & meditate.
You’ll never know it all.
Greed is your downfall.

You’ll never be loved
like you are now.

A reader.

I try to be myself but I’m scary and alien,
pretending to be human though I don’t know what that is.
So I live through you, I hope you don’t mind,
to learn about love and compassion, how am I doing?

I try not to do harm, which means I can’t do good either.
It’s a binary path, no-one cares how it’s discovered.
Over-crowded, building fences, maintaining the order.
How’s the view? Let me visualize, become a real hero.

No, not really, never really cared how others see me,
though I want to know how does your life go?
I don’t have one, it’s last night’s wind, today’s sun.
Am I missing someone?

True, true, everyone’s balancing
between enlightenment and insanity.
There’re the over-achievers showing off.
You are not them, don’t kid yourself.

Don’t model yourself.
Be crazy and just act yourself.
Time will tell.
Then hopefully, you will.

No wild heart.

No wild heart, yo,
I can’t afford.
I’d rather get my teeth pulled,
I got no insurance.

It’s a pay-per-live world,
we’re closing the gate
on what’s real benefit,
40 years a slave.

Sure, they gave you promises
when you’re young & good-looking,
just don’t say what you’re really thinking,
they ain’t listening.

Human nature is the killer app,
joy-button’s broken, that’s OK,
40% off, amazon prime.
Mama didn’t teach me how to refrain.

Ole, ole, let’s see that body.
Oh shit, not a size 6?
Go kill yourself,
you don’t exist.

Your life has but one aim,
to look good, sexy puss.
Here, give me a smooch,
I will buy you a Starbucks.

Eyes wild open & heart wide shut.
Precious commodity, someone giving a fuck.
Super cereal, we have to save our planet!
Can’t do that with all these infightings.

Who gains, who loses?
Maybe we want things to go KABOOM.
Hauling this history of unbearable weight,
now running out of water & space.

Kids shot, women raped.
How to go out, be open & relate?
Can’t tell friendlies from the fake.
To keep it safe, shields in place.

Period Talk – June Edition.

I wanted to write a book about the period since I had years of first-hand experience. But wait, someone has to have done that already.

There is overwhelming evidence that I’m not the only one having periods, though it sure does feel that way. I remember growing up in China, having had a very embarrassingly public announcement of my first period, spending years in bewilderment handling the monthlies in an offhanded way involving a piece of thin cloth with a long string and coarse tissues to cap the flow. Then one day I saw a TV show with a strong, non-traditional female character who after being criticized for being strong-willed and difficult, declared then and there, matter-of-factly, “I’m having my period.” Wow!! WOW!!! I still can not believe it. I remember that scene after all these years. I can picture the scene still: the lady, tall, confident, dressed in a white blouse, with a palpable air of dignity and no-shit-taking, evenly broadcasted her mensuration status to a male counterpart. She stood up for all of us by being herself, and challenged the norm. She’s still my hero.

Other flow news.
Welcome back, Amy!

After some Googling, I found that the earliest book written about period is called “The Wise Wound” which was published in 1978. Strangely, my wonderful local library carries not one book regarding such subject. So I got it from Amazon.

The overcast sky.

I wish I’m not tired all the time,
so I can behold the vast beauty.
To keep my eyes peeled, ears unclogged,
fingers poised to record whatever comes.

As it is I’m just meat & veins,
they deposit shells on the shores of my perception.
I’m exhausted just to look, much less to feel.
It’s stretching me, my universe.

Where does my light go?

One door too many.

There’s a door.
I can sense it.
I don’t know what’s inside,
maybe it’s me I’m opening.
There could be darkness.
If so I’d be content.
I’d give it a go
to prove a point of pointlessness.

Can’t recall the steps,
so how did I end up here?
Isn’t it all the same?
The twists equal the turns?
Not fair to the guide, but,
all in truth, no faith, not brave,
just energy to disperse,
heavy dose of “get me outta here”.

It must’ve been silent,
then why do I hate the noise?
Can’t pay off the voices
so they just up & left.
Fill myself with
whatever I can grab,
how it comes to be, a piece of you
on what’s left of me.

A door too many,
stepping onto the balcony.
It’s all somber & majestic.
The birds are mocking me,
“you don’t belong here,
the air’s thin, the sun’s gonna kill.”
Where am I supposed to go?
After one door too many?