Had I known myself, I wouldn't run away to stay close, others' words wouldn't sway my faith. If I had known myself. I wouldn't lie to get ahead only to find it's my own prison cell. If I had known myself. I'd walk with the person I was, listen to all the hurts, laugh at the childish games, pat that person on the back & say, "I see what you did back there. I wish I'd known you better. But hey, we see each other now."
“I don’t”: Post-It.
No honor.
Last night I met a dream, it told me I was greedy & a fake. Froze me up then I shrugged, don't know which voice I should trust. Saw it clearly in the mud. All the protections worth a laugh. Never alone but a space above. How long ago was the trip to mars? It seems I knew the way to hell. It's a bet's away from heaven's door. Used to be clever, nothing to show for. All the drama sins the record. Time wasted & broken-hearted. It's me that I have tricked. A spirit defined by blood & bones. Desperation is a dish served warm.
Myself.
If I feel bad about myself it's because I want to feel bad myself. All the mechanics that I set up so I won't escape this lovely hell. It's intricate. It amuses me well. But if I'm gonna die someday, it's not gonna be in a prison that I made myself.
Come down.
I'm trying to activate myself from a slumber where my mouth is shut and eyes wander. Flutter about like a leaf with no bother. I greet you with joy & an emptiness inside. Give me time, give me space, give me quiet. There's no goal where I'm alone with wounded pride. I can see now where it's gone wrong & what I can do right. If it's up to me, I'd still go the extra mile.
No better.
I know you no better than before. With your new clown suit usher in the age of benevolence. I know you no better than before. Bed of nails we made comfortable. Field of roses left scorched. Smiles with flawless teeth & dagger. How did we go so far to be close? I know you once not long ago. No questions asked we just knew. Worlds we create are our tombs with no name on the grave stones. I know you much better before. No whys, no wheres & no who-s. Somehow in the dream we shared cherish the yearning we never knew.
Tip-toeing the Beast.
It's attracted to honey & blood. Give it a bone it gnaws for hours. Make sure it lays its head to rest, go around its rear to have a taste. Sweet regurgitated horror dreams sewed by air & pierced by light. In a moment the beast smiles & wakes, growling: "I was never chained, you are."
I must have.
I must have been a beast before, long for the open & the hidden. Silence in my head & heart. Vast wilderness & without fear. I must have been a killer before. Rage, pillage as far as I can reach. Then some more & more & more. Fire and thunders rejoice & chase. I must have been a man before. Violent without constraints. Do whatever I please with no charge. Take whatever whoever without remorse. I must have been a monk before. Look down upon the trifle struggles. Look up to find hunger in the soul. Forfeit a candle for an incense. I must have been young before. Spend years hiding all the rest. Fight for a path that's my own. Only to wake up one day to realize that I must have been alive before.
The right to be.
There's the feeling of power and the usual boredom. Time goes fast & slow, feeling like, I'm on the cusp of accepting. The hour is late, this sensation new. Where might it lead? My doom. Will I stand firm even when love sours and the chain cools? What is freedom that doesn't hurt? What is will that's afraid of warmth? All the while, the same sad smile, "My old friend, it's been fine."
Best.
I dig deep & find the beast in me. I can disguise & deceit. But the beast gets lonely. They call it names when they see its face. But it calls out the beast in you you don't even know exists.
hotsurf_ 