Heart-gate.

I put my heart on hold
long ago.
I don’t remember the signs,
it’s a foreign land.
People don’t understand
when they see me emotionless,
how hard it is to pretend
to be one of them.

When I don’t know
where I am,
I hum a little song
to myself,
never deal with anything
too personal,
now that I can get away
from my folks.

The clock I’d stopped
does grind
so loudly
in my mind.
Need to let the cold
seeping in,
for the chance
to make some friends.

Still so afraid
of losing the ones I love,
or that I can’t
help them enough.
Can I take it now?
My disappointment
with myself?

I put my heart on hold.
My place is vacant
and my eyes are cold.
I feel safely mechanical.
But I can’t run free,
without my heart whole.

Was it something I had done?
Or part of me I have to accept?
Who do I go for advice?
When nobody knows who I am?

I have to unpause.
Have to face the spot.
Name the things I can’t change
and bring them back home.

Fall 2019.

Hotstuf – Psychopath.

Stupid.

I’ve learned it’s very stupid to feel
and very very stupid to love.
When you are not strong
and easily led astray
and you don’t recognize the path.
Monsters, tricksters, cowards abound.
Before you know it
the wrong things are learned,
you don’t know who you are.

But I need to feel, we all need to love.
Let’s all be stupid now.
1, 2, 3, breath. 1, 2, 3, breath.
I call on stupid stupid love.

Visitor.

It came to visit last night,
as I laid sleeping in my bed.
Did you meant to wake me up?
Were you watching as I slept?
First came the unease as I felt the chill,
then came the noises all about the room.
Whatever have you touched?
Or were you also startled?
Then the images came,
as I huddled well-aware.
Something’s poking out
maybe trying to tell a tale.
Long white finger’s poking.
Then an attempt at an embrace?
Not just gonna take it, I thought,
so I crossed you out.
Then a warmth spread,
maybe I passed a test.
A peace within as I fell asleep,
and there were no more dreams.